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Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, October 29, 2012
Impress...or Depressed?!
Gentlemen, I don't think there is enough content for men about relationships. Starting today, I will contribute to change this less than equitable behavior. Let's start with a topic which I find intriguing to say the least...
What should we do to impress a woman? What do we say? How do we impress her enough to attract her?
Let me start by saying, I'm from the south and I'll be the first to tell you chivalry is not dead. I will hold doors, open car doors, pull out chairs, and whatever else may be befitting in my mind for how a gentleman should treat a lady. I'm lucky enough to travel frequently and I have heard guys say "what are you doing?" when I hold a door for a woman. I have also gotten the looks of disgust when I open the door for someone which may delay someone else for a moment. Let me tell you, it's not that crucial...I will always treat a woman the way the ladies in my family deserve to be treated. I think this should be par for the course. Not optional. If you want to win at relationships, treat your woman they way you would want your mother or grandmother treated.
My initial question was "what should we do to impress a woman?" If you're digging someone, chances are you want them to know you're digging them, without coming across goofy or too forward. Therefore, what you should do to impress a woman is....drum roll...nothing!!! You shouldn't be trying to impress them at all. You should be trying to get to know them and vice versa. Women often say they are taking applications, but the truth of the matter is the person who does not submit an "application" is the person who will wind up with the girl. We are often trying to talk to her about what we do, how much money we make, what our title is or who we know. Guess what...she doesn't care! She wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kinds of movies you like, or if you like movies at all. She wants to know if you are confident. Confidence is an attractive trait for a woman. She wants to know if you are funny. You don't have to be Chris Tucker funny, but you have to clearly have a sense of humor and most importantly, be able to make HER laugh. Women want to be able to relax around you. They want to be able to talk to you, confide in you, even vent to you.
You will find in most cases, mature women don't even think about what they can get out of you...they think about you being there for them and WITH them. You don't have to TRY to impress a woman...to be impressive. If you really want to be impressive, here's a tip: Be ambitious. Show her you have a vision for your life and hopefully that includes her. Show her you are working toward your goals and dreams. But don't just talk about it--be about it! Include her in your journey.
In the title of the article, I mentioned "depressed" so I want to expound. Guys that are trying to impress women who clearly have no clue about making a good impression are depressing to women. Guys, let's give our ladies hope to have successful relationships, not to be depressed with men because of examples like these: A woman once told me this guy she was talking to had 4 children, he was unemployed and lived at home with his mom, but he had awesome "game." Depressing. That equates to a having a 4-cylinder Lamborghini with no A/C, cloth interior, one of the wheels has a hubcap and the scissor doors are broken. Quite depressing! Here's another instance: Sending someone an unsolicited photo of your "lack of confidence" which you call manhood...quite depressing. Fellas, real talk--women don't want to see that. All you might get that night, is a restraining order! You have to stimulate her mind. Interestingly enough, if you really talk to her, you may find out that she will stimulate yours as well...impressive, huh? Next time yall.... One Love!
What should we do to impress a woman? What do we say? How do we impress her enough to attract her?
Let me start by saying, I'm from the south and I'll be the first to tell you chivalry is not dead. I will hold doors, open car doors, pull out chairs, and whatever else may be befitting in my mind for how a gentleman should treat a lady. I'm lucky enough to travel frequently and I have heard guys say "what are you doing?" when I hold a door for a woman. I have also gotten the looks of disgust when I open the door for someone which may delay someone else for a moment. Let me tell you, it's not that crucial...I will always treat a woman the way the ladies in my family deserve to be treated. I think this should be par for the course. Not optional. If you want to win at relationships, treat your woman they way you would want your mother or grandmother treated.
My initial question was "what should we do to impress a woman?" If you're digging someone, chances are you want them to know you're digging them, without coming across goofy or too forward. Therefore, what you should do to impress a woman is....drum roll...nothing!!! You shouldn't be trying to impress them at all. You should be trying to get to know them and vice versa. Women often say they are taking applications, but the truth of the matter is the person who does not submit an "application" is the person who will wind up with the girl. We are often trying to talk to her about what we do, how much money we make, what our title is or who we know. Guess what...she doesn't care! She wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kinds of movies you like, or if you like movies at all. She wants to know if you are confident. Confidence is an attractive trait for a woman. She wants to know if you are funny. You don't have to be Chris Tucker funny, but you have to clearly have a sense of humor and most importantly, be able to make HER laugh. Women want to be able to relax around you. They want to be able to talk to you, confide in you, even vent to you.
You will find in most cases, mature women don't even think about what they can get out of you...they think about you being there for them and WITH them. You don't have to TRY to impress a woman...to be impressive. If you really want to be impressive, here's a tip: Be ambitious. Show her you have a vision for your life and hopefully that includes her. Show her you are working toward your goals and dreams. But don't just talk about it--be about it! Include her in your journey.
In the title of the article, I mentioned "depressed" so I want to expound. Guys that are trying to impress women who clearly have no clue about making a good impression are depressing to women. Guys, let's give our ladies hope to have successful relationships, not to be depressed with men because of examples like these: A woman once told me this guy she was talking to had 4 children, he was unemployed and lived at home with his mom, but he had awesome "game." Depressing. That equates to a having a 4-cylinder Lamborghini with no A/C, cloth interior, one of the wheels has a hubcap and the scissor doors are broken. Quite depressing! Here's another instance: Sending someone an unsolicited photo of your "lack of confidence" which you call manhood...quite depressing. Fellas, real talk--women don't want to see that. All you might get that night, is a restraining order! You have to stimulate her mind. Interestingly enough, if you really talk to her, you may find out that she will stimulate yours as well...impressive, huh? Next time yall.... One Love!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Dating for Single Parents
It's been soooo long! The blessings I have received since I have done my last blog are too many to count! I won't go this long again without blogging, so I hope you enjoy this and many more to come! In the interim, among many other things, I have been working toward my certification as a Relationship Coaching Specialist! I still have some work to do to complete it, but stay tuned...I'll be available for coaching sessions soon.
I want to talk about relationships and dating for single parents. I'm a single parent so this resonates with me as I'm sure it does many of you. First of all, single parenthood isn't easy and it's something which should be commended. I can't say enough how much I appreciate ALL of the single mothers out there "making it happen" for their children. The same goes for the single dads...we're holding it down as well. You should receive the recognition you deserve for handling the situation to the best of your ability. We should all also be well aware, this should not be anyone's first choice. I don't want to glorify single parenthood. It should be the last option.
Dating and relationships aren't easy when someone who is single doesn't have children. Add some little ones to the mix and now single parents are trying to find time to date, trying to decide if they should bring a potential mate around their children (and then when is the appropriate time), if they can afford to date and if they have the time to even date at all. It's a complex situation. There are other people involved to consider as well. There are times when the other parent wants to offer an opinion or get involved where it may or may not be their place to step in. This requires thought and consideration of all parties and the child will be at the top of that list.
What should we do? How should we approach this? Let's first address what I feel is a common problem: Removing a relationship/dating as an option. There is something to be said for sacrificing one's time to provide for their children. I definitely understand this. I think there's a difference between sacrificing time to provide and detaching one's self from society for the "good" of their children. It's clear society is full of dysfunctional relationships. There are several reasons for this, but one of those is being a product of a single parent home. Children don't get to see how a good relationship is supposed to work. How can we expect those children to become adults and create good relationships, when they don't have the tools or the models as examples for them to see while they are growing up? It won't happen. I heard someone say if you tell a child to clean their room, but you haven't shown them how to clean it, they will clean it to the "best of their ability" and do whatever they think "cleaning the room" means, but it won't meet your expectation. It's the same with relationships. If you don't see a functional relationship at home and many of your friends don't have one in their home either, you have no concept of what a successful relationship looks like. You will not have a point of reference to build a relationship, if you haven't seen what a real, solid relationship looks like.
It's also important for our own comfort and peace of mind to be able to be happy and have people with whom we can have adult relationships. Also remember...children leave home! In 18 years or so, there will not be someone who needs you to depend on, then in many cases people are looking for something or someone to find value in them. Don't deprive yourself the opportunity for you to be happy and don't deprive your children the opportunity to see you happy and see how a successful relationship works. It's not easy, it's not magic, but building the cohesiveness and through your collective faith, you will find that dating with a purpose (thx, Renee!) can be a beautiful breath of fresh air for single people and single parents alike!
I would love to hear your take on being a single parent and dating. Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time...very soon...I promise!
One
I want to talk about relationships and dating for single parents. I'm a single parent so this resonates with me as I'm sure it does many of you. First of all, single parenthood isn't easy and it's something which should be commended. I can't say enough how much I appreciate ALL of the single mothers out there "making it happen" for their children. The same goes for the single dads...we're holding it down as well. You should receive the recognition you deserve for handling the situation to the best of your ability. We should all also be well aware, this should not be anyone's first choice. I don't want to glorify single parenthood. It should be the last option.
Dating and relationships aren't easy when someone who is single doesn't have children. Add some little ones to the mix and now single parents are trying to find time to date, trying to decide if they should bring a potential mate around their children (and then when is the appropriate time), if they can afford to date and if they have the time to even date at all. It's a complex situation. There are other people involved to consider as well. There are times when the other parent wants to offer an opinion or get involved where it may or may not be their place to step in. This requires thought and consideration of all parties and the child will be at the top of that list.
What should we do? How should we approach this? Let's first address what I feel is a common problem: Removing a relationship/dating as an option. There is something to be said for sacrificing one's time to provide for their children. I definitely understand this. I think there's a difference between sacrificing time to provide and detaching one's self from society for the "good" of their children. It's clear society is full of dysfunctional relationships. There are several reasons for this, but one of those is being a product of a single parent home. Children don't get to see how a good relationship is supposed to work. How can we expect those children to become adults and create good relationships, when they don't have the tools or the models as examples for them to see while they are growing up? It won't happen. I heard someone say if you tell a child to clean their room, but you haven't shown them how to clean it, they will clean it to the "best of their ability" and do whatever they think "cleaning the room" means, but it won't meet your expectation. It's the same with relationships. If you don't see a functional relationship at home and many of your friends don't have one in their home either, you have no concept of what a successful relationship looks like. You will not have a point of reference to build a relationship, if you haven't seen what a real, solid relationship looks like.
It's also important for our own comfort and peace of mind to be able to be happy and have people with whom we can have adult relationships. Also remember...children leave home! In 18 years or so, there will not be someone who needs you to depend on, then in many cases people are looking for something or someone to find value in them. Don't deprive yourself the opportunity for you to be happy and don't deprive your children the opportunity to see you happy and see how a successful relationship works. It's not easy, it's not magic, but building the cohesiveness and through your collective faith, you will find that dating with a purpose (thx, Renee!) can be a beautiful breath of fresh air for single people and single parents alike!
I would love to hear your take on being a single parent and dating. Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time...very soon...I promise!
One
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Don't Be Afraid to Ask
Wow! Now, I'm fully engulfed in social media, trying to manage multiple platforms to reach my audience, speaking on radio stations, invitations to speak with book clubs, etc. Can I stop for a moment to Praise Him?! Maybe I do a little of this in every blog, but when you are me and you have been where I have been and now you're here...you know it's not about you, nor can you take any credit. Not even a little bit! It's all the work and the power of Christ. I'm still not the most famous writer or most popular blogger. I don't want either of those things. My prayer is that people hear and apply the message of what develops the early stages of success in relationships.
Also, a little break to thank many of those who have read my book. I appreciate the feedback people have given me, and I hope they apply the knowledge, discern the wisdom and truly live fulfilled relationships.
Ok normally, I get straight to the heart of the matter on relationships. This time, although I know my book is faith based and that's not normally my topic of conversation here, that's where we are going today.
I sent my daughter a message a few days ago. It read simply "prayer changes things." Real talk...all day, every day. Our creator has a permissive will for our lives. The ultimate goal is to find that your will aligns with His will. That's a topic for another day, but it's important to know...find ways to align what you want with what he wants for you.
His permissive will can only be accessed one way: by asking. You have to pray. As a couple, learn to pray together. It's not difficult. It's not even awkward. "Baby, come over here...let's pray." It's that simple.
By praying together, you are inviting God's presence into your union. If you live for Him, there's nothing He won't do for you. What is really amazing, is you will find that your will lines up with His, and the prayers will be answered before you even pray them, because He knows the desires of your heart.
Obviously, I'm single...but more importantly, I'm cool with it. Kinda like it. The one thing (maybe a few things) that I would just love to do with a spouse is pray together. If you haven't done it, you might not understand. There's a presence released when you glorify His name with the person you love on this earth more than any other. I'm sure I could get all spiritual here, but I'll just say when you feel God's love and you experience it with someone else...there are no words. You just know, that you know...that you know...that the presence of God is in and around you.
Pray. Pray often. Pray without ceasing. Little prayers like "God help me" or big prayers like the ones your grandparents may do as you're hungry wanting to eat Thanksgiving turkey. It's all good. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes lives. Prayer enhances relationships.
Don't be afraid to ask Him for whatever it is...just pray.
Until the next one. :)
Also, a little break to thank many of those who have read my book. I appreciate the feedback people have given me, and I hope they apply the knowledge, discern the wisdom and truly live fulfilled relationships.
Ok normally, I get straight to the heart of the matter on relationships. This time, although I know my book is faith based and that's not normally my topic of conversation here, that's where we are going today.
I sent my daughter a message a few days ago. It read simply "prayer changes things." Real talk...all day, every day. Our creator has a permissive will for our lives. The ultimate goal is to find that your will aligns with His will. That's a topic for another day, but it's important to know...find ways to align what you want with what he wants for you.
His permissive will can only be accessed one way: by asking. You have to pray. As a couple, learn to pray together. It's not difficult. It's not even awkward. "Baby, come over here...let's pray." It's that simple.
By praying together, you are inviting God's presence into your union. If you live for Him, there's nothing He won't do for you. What is really amazing, is you will find that your will lines up with His, and the prayers will be answered before you even pray them, because He knows the desires of your heart.
Obviously, I'm single...but more importantly, I'm cool with it. Kinda like it. The one thing (maybe a few things) that I would just love to do with a spouse is pray together. If you haven't done it, you might not understand. There's a presence released when you glorify His name with the person you love on this earth more than any other. I'm sure I could get all spiritual here, but I'll just say when you feel God's love and you experience it with someone else...there are no words. You just know, that you know...that you know...that the presence of God is in and around you.
Pray. Pray often. Pray without ceasing. Little prayers like "God help me" or big prayers like the ones your grandparents may do as you're hungry wanting to eat Thanksgiving turkey. It's all good. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes lives. Prayer enhances relationships.
Don't be afraid to ask Him for whatever it is...just pray.
Until the next one. :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Lack of Options? More of a Lack of Patience...
It's still so amazing, just how good God is to us. He put this book in my heart, opened the windows of Heaven to pour out his goodness, now I have book reviews flowing in, Radio and TV stations inquiring for interviews and a recent article which is upcoming soon in an online magazine. Again, I want to Praise His name now and make it clear that on days when nothing seems to go right and things just don't fall into place, I Praise Him on those days also. I value my relationship with Him as the ultimate successful relationship.
In the article I recently wrote for the magazine, I was asked to add some things which are relevant, that I don't address in the book. A topic that quickly came to mind the fact that our culture, the African-American culture has this disconnect between the genders when it comes to relationships. I want to expound more on those issues.
Women are led to believe "a good man is hard to find." There are articles out about how difficult is it to find a man who is not living at home, is gainfully employed and doesn't have "baby mama" drama. I will be the first to confess, we as men over the past generation have fallen short of the expecatations our grandparents and great-grandparents had for us. I fall in that category as well. I have never been married and I have 2 children. At least I'm blessed to be applying my knowledge at this point in my life, so I have grown to become a man who lives in Christ and Christ lives in me. I'm still not perfect, but I strive to follow His example. That digression of thought leads me to say, there are lots of other African-American men like me. You can't find most of those guys in the club, necessarily. You have to look for companionship while doing things that gravitate toward the lifestyle you want to be a part of. If you want to go to Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj concerts looking for a man, that's fine. I'm a Recording Industry major, nothing wrong with that. Make sure he has diverse tastes and there's more to his life than imitating the art of hip-hop. What is he doing now? What does this person aspire to do in two years? Singles groups aren't necessarily a great way to find a partner either, but what they really show is that you are able to exist without the dependency of a man. Joining workout clubs, book clubs and other places that interest you are places to find men who enjoy things you enjoy.
Never settle for a man you really don't want to be with. Being happy and alone is better than being with someone and not happy. You deserve a great relationship and if you take the time to realize you can and will have one by patience, perserverance and prayer, everything will work itself out.
Guys, we have to have the attitude that we want a woman that makes us happy. What you think of her sexually should be the least of your worries. That sounds crazy, I know, but if a woman fulfils your mind with great conversation, fulfills your heart with a willingness to serve you in love and fulfills your spirit with a shared faith in Christ, the other things will come naturally. Don't get me wrong, EVERY relationship requires work. What I'm saying is, find the person you really want to work toward something with. Something does not mean cohabitation. Something means a life together in covenant. If you're scared of commitment, don't go there, but don't sleep with multiple women, and take a part of them and destroy a part of yourself with each encounter. It sounds like I'm not a fan of sex or something like that. Read my book...you will find it's the exact opposite. My point is, like any other thing in life, everything has its time and place. Find a woman you want to spend your life with, take the necessary steps to make it official and then you can explore the intimate things with your wife. Until you get to that point, concentrate on the things which prepare you for your wife. Learn to understand women (Lol...I know that's a tough one). Learn to communicate clearly. Develop your faith. Cultivate your career.
Contrary to popular opinion, there are plenty of good men out there. As a matter of fact, one is writing this blog right now. :) Guys, let's develop ourselves to become great men for these great women out here who are preparing for loving, meaningful, lifelong relationships.
Jay
In the article I recently wrote for the magazine, I was asked to add some things which are relevant, that I don't address in the book. A topic that quickly came to mind the fact that our culture, the African-American culture has this disconnect between the genders when it comes to relationships. I want to expound more on those issues.
Women are led to believe "a good man is hard to find." There are articles out about how difficult is it to find a man who is not living at home, is gainfully employed and doesn't have "baby mama" drama. I will be the first to confess, we as men over the past generation have fallen short of the expecatations our grandparents and great-grandparents had for us. I fall in that category as well. I have never been married and I have 2 children. At least I'm blessed to be applying my knowledge at this point in my life, so I have grown to become a man who lives in Christ and Christ lives in me. I'm still not perfect, but I strive to follow His example. That digression of thought leads me to say, there are lots of other African-American men like me. You can't find most of those guys in the club, necessarily. You have to look for companionship while doing things that gravitate toward the lifestyle you want to be a part of. If you want to go to Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj concerts looking for a man, that's fine. I'm a Recording Industry major, nothing wrong with that. Make sure he has diverse tastes and there's more to his life than imitating the art of hip-hop. What is he doing now? What does this person aspire to do in two years? Singles groups aren't necessarily a great way to find a partner either, but what they really show is that you are able to exist without the dependency of a man. Joining workout clubs, book clubs and other places that interest you are places to find men who enjoy things you enjoy.
Never settle for a man you really don't want to be with. Being happy and alone is better than being with someone and not happy. You deserve a great relationship and if you take the time to realize you can and will have one by patience, perserverance and prayer, everything will work itself out.
Guys, we have to have the attitude that we want a woman that makes us happy. What you think of her sexually should be the least of your worries. That sounds crazy, I know, but if a woman fulfils your mind with great conversation, fulfills your heart with a willingness to serve you in love and fulfills your spirit with a shared faith in Christ, the other things will come naturally. Don't get me wrong, EVERY relationship requires work. What I'm saying is, find the person you really want to work toward something with. Something does not mean cohabitation. Something means a life together in covenant. If you're scared of commitment, don't go there, but don't sleep with multiple women, and take a part of them and destroy a part of yourself with each encounter. It sounds like I'm not a fan of sex or something like that. Read my book...you will find it's the exact opposite. My point is, like any other thing in life, everything has its time and place. Find a woman you want to spend your life with, take the necessary steps to make it official and then you can explore the intimate things with your wife. Until you get to that point, concentrate on the things which prepare you for your wife. Learn to understand women (Lol...I know that's a tough one). Learn to communicate clearly. Develop your faith. Cultivate your career.
Contrary to popular opinion, there are plenty of good men out there. As a matter of fact, one is writing this blog right now. :) Guys, let's develop ourselves to become great men for these great women out here who are preparing for loving, meaningful, lifelong relationships.
Jay
Saturday, February 12, 2011
When is Too Late, Really Too Late?
I hope everyone is doing well. Again, it's a very exciting time for me. My book is out on booksamillion.com, barnesandnoble.com, pendiumpublishing.com and hopefully soon to be in Barnes and Noble stores around the country. I have reviews which we be available on some sites soon, and I will give links to those once they are available. I have been blessed (again) beyond my wildest dreams.
Ok, so as usual, I'm hearing interesting stories everywhere. This one is very common and I believe it relates to more of us than I would ever hope to imagine. I know someone who is really tired of dealing with foolishness in their mate. Not the kind of foolishness that one might experience on a scene from The Maury Show, but it consists of infidelity, lack of remorse and a basic place where the spouses seem to be on separate paths in their lives at this point.
Interestingly this would normally be a story of a man who cheated, and he is being foolish. This time, it's a woman who cheated, and the man left the home. She has been ignoring his existence for a while. She works and does her thing, but there was clearly something wrong. She's not very affectionate, she doesn't do anything to "work" at making the marriage last a lifetime blessing for both of them. They have two children, and they share some responsibility, but for the most part, they are his responsibility. Somewhere along the line, it came out that she had been seeing someone else. There had been a lot lacking from this relationship for quite some time. No emotion, no affection, no working at it--basically from either side, because at some point, he got frustrated with the situation.
He left. Point blank, period. He feels like he had given her chance after chance to show she wanted to be there. The guy in this relationship felt like he had done everything possible to give her an opportunity to show in both word and deed that his wife was really still in love with him and wanted to work through their differences and make their marriage work.
This is an all-too familiar story. We know absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course, she wants him back. Here's the problem, it may really be too late. The signs have been there for months. They have had conversations about her complacency, her lack of affection, basically just coasting along like roommates. No person should have to be subject to that behavior from a spouse, but it happens all the time. Much too often.
The question therefore becomes, when is too late, really too late? Ultimately the decision is up to the individual. There are two questions in this case, I think he should ask himself and be honest and frank in his answers to himself. First, has every option been exhausted? Marriage counseling (church or non-church related)? Has there been true open communication? Separation (in this case--yes)? If you can't see things changing now, while you are in the middle of the situation, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to believe they will change going forward. Let me use this analogy: If a guy knows he has messed up, if he's smart, he'll bring his girlfriend/wife flowers, her favorite candy...something as at the very least a token of his affection. It doesn't have to be tangible. It could be praying together. It could be saying he has been "in denial" and needs help getting over an addiction. Whatever! Something has to be done to show the other person is at least making an effort to change. If you can't see change (tangible or otherwise), you can stop here and don't even have to proceed to question 2. It's over. It's fine for your spouse to miss you when you leave and beg you to come back. It's worthless if the action (in this case, separation) has not effected change.
The second question is, are you capable of true reconciliation? This has a lot of subtexts to it. With reference to this particular situation, he should ask himself if he still loves her--and give an unbiased answer. It would be good to take a moment in solitude and write these questions and answers. There's something therapeutic and a way of providing closure (good or bad) to a situation when you can see something tangible on paper. They have 2 children, therefore another subtext here is, "are you considering staying for the kids?" If the answer is yes, that's a definite path to LEAVE. NOW. QUICKLY. Children of relationships of convenience tend to be spouses in relationships of convenience. I know some of those kids, who are adults today in unhappy homes, causing cycles of unhappy homes. Your children will respect you more if you leave under amicable circumstances, than staying under bad ones. They learn strength and courage from a parent being strong in times of trials and tribulations. Show yourself faithful to your Creator and He will show Himself faithful to you. Sometimes leaving takes that first step of faith. Take it! Living in fraudulent relationships are the opposite of the title of the blog--successful relationships. Closing out the subtexts would be, "is your spouse contributing to your life moving forward, in the direction you want, or a hindrance and an anchor holding you from becoming who your maker meant you to be?" If the answer is they are holding you back, and the rest of the answers are also negative, how fast can you get the divorce papers signed? At some point, common sense should take over. Nothing positive is nothing gained. Move on. Let it go.
That being said, the name of my blog and book are 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship. I am not a proponent of ending a relationship without just cause. I am not a proponent of divorce, but there are times when adultery comes into play. There are times when the commitment is gone and adultery is actually not the reason for the loss of commitment, but the result of the commitment being lost (Ladies, I know you hear me on that)! Sometimes, you just can't move on. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's over. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish in this instance, for this man, I could tell him, it's not like that. I know this situation. It's over. Why prolong the inevitable? There will be tears, it will be painful, Heaven knows he will have to deal with it long after the divorce papers are signed. They will have to be adults who raise children together. Eventually, he will see her with another man. None of that will be easy, but it's necessary. Extending inevitable pain is not good for anyone, and will be worse the longer it is allowed to simmer. You can't move forward and allow another door to be opened for you, until you permanently close doors which are necessary to be closed. That occurs in careers, school, relationships--all of life's journeys. If one door has to be closed, allow that to happen. Your Creator will open several other doors for you. For someone who is as against divorce as I, it pains me to say (but it's necessary), sometimes the Successful relationships are the ones you develop after you leave the not so successful ones.
One Love...
Ok, so as usual, I'm hearing interesting stories everywhere. This one is very common and I believe it relates to more of us than I would ever hope to imagine. I know someone who is really tired of dealing with foolishness in their mate. Not the kind of foolishness that one might experience on a scene from The Maury Show, but it consists of infidelity, lack of remorse and a basic place where the spouses seem to be on separate paths in their lives at this point.
Interestingly this would normally be a story of a man who cheated, and he is being foolish. This time, it's a woman who cheated, and the man left the home. She has been ignoring his existence for a while. She works and does her thing, but there was clearly something wrong. She's not very affectionate, she doesn't do anything to "work" at making the marriage last a lifetime blessing for both of them. They have two children, and they share some responsibility, but for the most part, they are his responsibility. Somewhere along the line, it came out that she had been seeing someone else. There had been a lot lacking from this relationship for quite some time. No emotion, no affection, no working at it--basically from either side, because at some point, he got frustrated with the situation.
He left. Point blank, period. He feels like he had given her chance after chance to show she wanted to be there. The guy in this relationship felt like he had done everything possible to give her an opportunity to show in both word and deed that his wife was really still in love with him and wanted to work through their differences and make their marriage work.
This is an all-too familiar story. We know absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course, she wants him back. Here's the problem, it may really be too late. The signs have been there for months. They have had conversations about her complacency, her lack of affection, basically just coasting along like roommates. No person should have to be subject to that behavior from a spouse, but it happens all the time. Much too often.
The question therefore becomes, when is too late, really too late? Ultimately the decision is up to the individual. There are two questions in this case, I think he should ask himself and be honest and frank in his answers to himself. First, has every option been exhausted? Marriage counseling (church or non-church related)? Has there been true open communication? Separation (in this case--yes)? If you can't see things changing now, while you are in the middle of the situation, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to believe they will change going forward. Let me use this analogy: If a guy knows he has messed up, if he's smart, he'll bring his girlfriend/wife flowers, her favorite candy...something as at the very least a token of his affection. It doesn't have to be tangible. It could be praying together. It could be saying he has been "in denial" and needs help getting over an addiction. Whatever! Something has to be done to show the other person is at least making an effort to change. If you can't see change (tangible or otherwise), you can stop here and don't even have to proceed to question 2. It's over. It's fine for your spouse to miss you when you leave and beg you to come back. It's worthless if the action (in this case, separation) has not effected change.
The second question is, are you capable of true reconciliation? This has a lot of subtexts to it. With reference to this particular situation, he should ask himself if he still loves her--and give an unbiased answer. It would be good to take a moment in solitude and write these questions and answers. There's something therapeutic and a way of providing closure (good or bad) to a situation when you can see something tangible on paper. They have 2 children, therefore another subtext here is, "are you considering staying for the kids?" If the answer is yes, that's a definite path to LEAVE. NOW. QUICKLY. Children of relationships of convenience tend to be spouses in relationships of convenience. I know some of those kids, who are adults today in unhappy homes, causing cycles of unhappy homes. Your children will respect you more if you leave under amicable circumstances, than staying under bad ones. They learn strength and courage from a parent being strong in times of trials and tribulations. Show yourself faithful to your Creator and He will show Himself faithful to you. Sometimes leaving takes that first step of faith. Take it! Living in fraudulent relationships are the opposite of the title of the blog--successful relationships. Closing out the subtexts would be, "is your spouse contributing to your life moving forward, in the direction you want, or a hindrance and an anchor holding you from becoming who your maker meant you to be?" If the answer is they are holding you back, and the rest of the answers are also negative, how fast can you get the divorce papers signed? At some point, common sense should take over. Nothing positive is nothing gained. Move on. Let it go.
That being said, the name of my blog and book are 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship. I am not a proponent of ending a relationship without just cause. I am not a proponent of divorce, but there are times when adultery comes into play. There are times when the commitment is gone and adultery is actually not the reason for the loss of commitment, but the result of the commitment being lost (Ladies, I know you hear me on that)! Sometimes, you just can't move on. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's over. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish in this instance, for this man, I could tell him, it's not like that. I know this situation. It's over. Why prolong the inevitable? There will be tears, it will be painful, Heaven knows he will have to deal with it long after the divorce papers are signed. They will have to be adults who raise children together. Eventually, he will see her with another man. None of that will be easy, but it's necessary. Extending inevitable pain is not good for anyone, and will be worse the longer it is allowed to simmer. You can't move forward and allow another door to be opened for you, until you permanently close doors which are necessary to be closed. That occurs in careers, school, relationships--all of life's journeys. If one door has to be closed, allow that to happen. Your Creator will open several other doors for you. For someone who is as against divorce as I, it pains me to say (but it's necessary), sometimes the Successful relationships are the ones you develop after you leave the not so successful ones.
One Love...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Definitely Worth Waiting For
Ok, so it's been a long time, I know. I have been away, getting my ducks lined up for Valentine's Day. Yep, that's the day the book comes out, and everyone can get so much more insight on ways to enhance your relationship, "for singles." I'm so excited to finally get the complete message out. I want to share the wisdom I have been led to give with everyone, so we can stop finding some of the potholes we tend to gravitate towards in relationships, unfortunately over and over again. Not anymore, now we're going to make some better choices, to get some better results! That's what the 9 Tenets are about.
So I was just talking to a friend about a good friend of hers. She was telling me that her homegirl is dating a guy a few years younger than her. He left town for a while and during the time he was away, he changed his photo on Facebook to a picture of him with another girl. Well, this left the original girl upset, and when he returned to town, she then wanted to "define" the relationship. In her heart, the relationship was already defined, she simply needed confirmation.
My friend made a great point...at this point it was too late to do what should have been done from the beginning. They had been intimate, and now her heart was showing on her sleeve and she wanted a commitment. The relationship soured and since he held out for a while, now they are back...not back together mind you, they never were together. They are back to the "intimate" relationship with no strings attached. The girl obviously wants more, but all she knows to do is to wait for him, and let him do what he wants to do until he is ready to commit to her.
Ladies, this is why you are definitely worth waiting for. Now her heart is caught up in the situation. If she would have realized commitment (and in my opinion, marriage) precedes sexual intimacy, then she would have waited. She wouldn't be emotionally trapped in a bad situation. I hope she takes her friend's advice to look at the situation without the blinders of her emotion involved, but right now, it's hard to remove her from the situation. Put a price on your self-worth, ladies...you are worth waiting for, and if you make him wait, he will appreciate you more in the long run as well.
So happy to be back on the blog...until next time!
Footnote:
The book is available now for presale orders at www.pendiumpublishing.com.
So I was just talking to a friend about a good friend of hers. She was telling me that her homegirl is dating a guy a few years younger than her. He left town for a while and during the time he was away, he changed his photo on Facebook to a picture of him with another girl. Well, this left the original girl upset, and when he returned to town, she then wanted to "define" the relationship. In her heart, the relationship was already defined, she simply needed confirmation.
My friend made a great point...at this point it was too late to do what should have been done from the beginning. They had been intimate, and now her heart was showing on her sleeve and she wanted a commitment. The relationship soured and since he held out for a while, now they are back...not back together mind you, they never were together. They are back to the "intimate" relationship with no strings attached. The girl obviously wants more, but all she knows to do is to wait for him, and let him do what he wants to do until he is ready to commit to her.
Ladies, this is why you are definitely worth waiting for. Now her heart is caught up in the situation. If she would have realized commitment (and in my opinion, marriage) precedes sexual intimacy, then she would have waited. She wouldn't be emotionally trapped in a bad situation. I hope she takes her friend's advice to look at the situation without the blinders of her emotion involved, but right now, it's hard to remove her from the situation. Put a price on your self-worth, ladies...you are worth waiting for, and if you make him wait, he will appreciate you more in the long run as well.
So happy to be back on the blog...until next time!
Footnote:
The book is available now for presale orders at www.pendiumpublishing.com.
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