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Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, October 29, 2012
Impress...or Depressed?!
Gentlemen, I don't think there is enough content for men about relationships. Starting today, I will contribute to change this less than equitable behavior. Let's start with a topic which I find intriguing to say the least...
What should we do to impress a woman? What do we say? How do we impress her enough to attract her?
Let me start by saying, I'm from the south and I'll be the first to tell you chivalry is not dead. I will hold doors, open car doors, pull out chairs, and whatever else may be befitting in my mind for how a gentleman should treat a lady. I'm lucky enough to travel frequently and I have heard guys say "what are you doing?" when I hold a door for a woman. I have also gotten the looks of disgust when I open the door for someone which may delay someone else for a moment. Let me tell you, it's not that crucial...I will always treat a woman the way the ladies in my family deserve to be treated. I think this should be par for the course. Not optional. If you want to win at relationships, treat your woman they way you would want your mother or grandmother treated.
My initial question was "what should we do to impress a woman?" If you're digging someone, chances are you want them to know you're digging them, without coming across goofy or too forward. Therefore, what you should do to impress a woman is....drum roll...nothing!!! You shouldn't be trying to impress them at all. You should be trying to get to know them and vice versa. Women often say they are taking applications, but the truth of the matter is the person who does not submit an "application" is the person who will wind up with the girl. We are often trying to talk to her about what we do, how much money we make, what our title is or who we know. Guess what...she doesn't care! She wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kinds of movies you like, or if you like movies at all. She wants to know if you are confident. Confidence is an attractive trait for a woman. She wants to know if you are funny. You don't have to be Chris Tucker funny, but you have to clearly have a sense of humor and most importantly, be able to make HER laugh. Women want to be able to relax around you. They want to be able to talk to you, confide in you, even vent to you.
You will find in most cases, mature women don't even think about what they can get out of you...they think about you being there for them and WITH them. You don't have to TRY to impress a woman...to be impressive. If you really want to be impressive, here's a tip: Be ambitious. Show her you have a vision for your life and hopefully that includes her. Show her you are working toward your goals and dreams. But don't just talk about it--be about it! Include her in your journey.
In the title of the article, I mentioned "depressed" so I want to expound. Guys that are trying to impress women who clearly have no clue about making a good impression are depressing to women. Guys, let's give our ladies hope to have successful relationships, not to be depressed with men because of examples like these: A woman once told me this guy she was talking to had 4 children, he was unemployed and lived at home with his mom, but he had awesome "game." Depressing. That equates to a having a 4-cylinder Lamborghini with no A/C, cloth interior, one of the wheels has a hubcap and the scissor doors are broken. Quite depressing! Here's another instance: Sending someone an unsolicited photo of your "lack of confidence" which you call manhood...quite depressing. Fellas, real talk--women don't want to see that. All you might get that night, is a restraining order! You have to stimulate her mind. Interestingly enough, if you really talk to her, you may find out that she will stimulate yours as well...impressive, huh? Next time yall.... One Love!
What should we do to impress a woman? What do we say? How do we impress her enough to attract her?
Let me start by saying, I'm from the south and I'll be the first to tell you chivalry is not dead. I will hold doors, open car doors, pull out chairs, and whatever else may be befitting in my mind for how a gentleman should treat a lady. I'm lucky enough to travel frequently and I have heard guys say "what are you doing?" when I hold a door for a woman. I have also gotten the looks of disgust when I open the door for someone which may delay someone else for a moment. Let me tell you, it's not that crucial...I will always treat a woman the way the ladies in my family deserve to be treated. I think this should be par for the course. Not optional. If you want to win at relationships, treat your woman they way you would want your mother or grandmother treated.
My initial question was "what should we do to impress a woman?" If you're digging someone, chances are you want them to know you're digging them, without coming across goofy or too forward. Therefore, what you should do to impress a woman is....drum roll...nothing!!! You shouldn't be trying to impress them at all. You should be trying to get to know them and vice versa. Women often say they are taking applications, but the truth of the matter is the person who does not submit an "application" is the person who will wind up with the girl. We are often trying to talk to her about what we do, how much money we make, what our title is or who we know. Guess what...she doesn't care! She wants to get to know you. She wants to know what kinds of movies you like, or if you like movies at all. She wants to know if you are confident. Confidence is an attractive trait for a woman. She wants to know if you are funny. You don't have to be Chris Tucker funny, but you have to clearly have a sense of humor and most importantly, be able to make HER laugh. Women want to be able to relax around you. They want to be able to talk to you, confide in you, even vent to you.
You will find in most cases, mature women don't even think about what they can get out of you...they think about you being there for them and WITH them. You don't have to TRY to impress a woman...to be impressive. If you really want to be impressive, here's a tip: Be ambitious. Show her you have a vision for your life and hopefully that includes her. Show her you are working toward your goals and dreams. But don't just talk about it--be about it! Include her in your journey.
In the title of the article, I mentioned "depressed" so I want to expound. Guys that are trying to impress women who clearly have no clue about making a good impression are depressing to women. Guys, let's give our ladies hope to have successful relationships, not to be depressed with men because of examples like these: A woman once told me this guy she was talking to had 4 children, he was unemployed and lived at home with his mom, but he had awesome "game." Depressing. That equates to a having a 4-cylinder Lamborghini with no A/C, cloth interior, one of the wheels has a hubcap and the scissor doors are broken. Quite depressing! Here's another instance: Sending someone an unsolicited photo of your "lack of confidence" which you call manhood...quite depressing. Fellas, real talk--women don't want to see that. All you might get that night, is a restraining order! You have to stimulate her mind. Interestingly enough, if you really talk to her, you may find out that she will stimulate yours as well...impressive, huh? Next time yall.... One Love!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Dating for Single Parents
It's been soooo long! The blessings I have received since I have done my last blog are too many to count! I won't go this long again without blogging, so I hope you enjoy this and many more to come! In the interim, among many other things, I have been working toward my certification as a Relationship Coaching Specialist! I still have some work to do to complete it, but stay tuned...I'll be available for coaching sessions soon.
I want to talk about relationships and dating for single parents. I'm a single parent so this resonates with me as I'm sure it does many of you. First of all, single parenthood isn't easy and it's something which should be commended. I can't say enough how much I appreciate ALL of the single mothers out there "making it happen" for their children. The same goes for the single dads...we're holding it down as well. You should receive the recognition you deserve for handling the situation to the best of your ability. We should all also be well aware, this should not be anyone's first choice. I don't want to glorify single parenthood. It should be the last option.
Dating and relationships aren't easy when someone who is single doesn't have children. Add some little ones to the mix and now single parents are trying to find time to date, trying to decide if they should bring a potential mate around their children (and then when is the appropriate time), if they can afford to date and if they have the time to even date at all. It's a complex situation. There are other people involved to consider as well. There are times when the other parent wants to offer an opinion or get involved where it may or may not be their place to step in. This requires thought and consideration of all parties and the child will be at the top of that list.
What should we do? How should we approach this? Let's first address what I feel is a common problem: Removing a relationship/dating as an option. There is something to be said for sacrificing one's time to provide for their children. I definitely understand this. I think there's a difference between sacrificing time to provide and detaching one's self from society for the "good" of their children. It's clear society is full of dysfunctional relationships. There are several reasons for this, but one of those is being a product of a single parent home. Children don't get to see how a good relationship is supposed to work. How can we expect those children to become adults and create good relationships, when they don't have the tools or the models as examples for them to see while they are growing up? It won't happen. I heard someone say if you tell a child to clean their room, but you haven't shown them how to clean it, they will clean it to the "best of their ability" and do whatever they think "cleaning the room" means, but it won't meet your expectation. It's the same with relationships. If you don't see a functional relationship at home and many of your friends don't have one in their home either, you have no concept of what a successful relationship looks like. You will not have a point of reference to build a relationship, if you haven't seen what a real, solid relationship looks like.
It's also important for our own comfort and peace of mind to be able to be happy and have people with whom we can have adult relationships. Also remember...children leave home! In 18 years or so, there will not be someone who needs you to depend on, then in many cases people are looking for something or someone to find value in them. Don't deprive yourself the opportunity for you to be happy and don't deprive your children the opportunity to see you happy and see how a successful relationship works. It's not easy, it's not magic, but building the cohesiveness and through your collective faith, you will find that dating with a purpose (thx, Renee!) can be a beautiful breath of fresh air for single people and single parents alike!
I would love to hear your take on being a single parent and dating. Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time...very soon...I promise!
One
I want to talk about relationships and dating for single parents. I'm a single parent so this resonates with me as I'm sure it does many of you. First of all, single parenthood isn't easy and it's something which should be commended. I can't say enough how much I appreciate ALL of the single mothers out there "making it happen" for their children. The same goes for the single dads...we're holding it down as well. You should receive the recognition you deserve for handling the situation to the best of your ability. We should all also be well aware, this should not be anyone's first choice. I don't want to glorify single parenthood. It should be the last option.
Dating and relationships aren't easy when someone who is single doesn't have children. Add some little ones to the mix and now single parents are trying to find time to date, trying to decide if they should bring a potential mate around their children (and then when is the appropriate time), if they can afford to date and if they have the time to even date at all. It's a complex situation. There are other people involved to consider as well. There are times when the other parent wants to offer an opinion or get involved where it may or may not be their place to step in. This requires thought and consideration of all parties and the child will be at the top of that list.
What should we do? How should we approach this? Let's first address what I feel is a common problem: Removing a relationship/dating as an option. There is something to be said for sacrificing one's time to provide for their children. I definitely understand this. I think there's a difference between sacrificing time to provide and detaching one's self from society for the "good" of their children. It's clear society is full of dysfunctional relationships. There are several reasons for this, but one of those is being a product of a single parent home. Children don't get to see how a good relationship is supposed to work. How can we expect those children to become adults and create good relationships, when they don't have the tools or the models as examples for them to see while they are growing up? It won't happen. I heard someone say if you tell a child to clean their room, but you haven't shown them how to clean it, they will clean it to the "best of their ability" and do whatever they think "cleaning the room" means, but it won't meet your expectation. It's the same with relationships. If you don't see a functional relationship at home and many of your friends don't have one in their home either, you have no concept of what a successful relationship looks like. You will not have a point of reference to build a relationship, if you haven't seen what a real, solid relationship looks like.
It's also important for our own comfort and peace of mind to be able to be happy and have people with whom we can have adult relationships. Also remember...children leave home! In 18 years or so, there will not be someone who needs you to depend on, then in many cases people are looking for something or someone to find value in them. Don't deprive yourself the opportunity for you to be happy and don't deprive your children the opportunity to see you happy and see how a successful relationship works. It's not easy, it's not magic, but building the cohesiveness and through your collective faith, you will find that dating with a purpose (thx, Renee!) can be a beautiful breath of fresh air for single people and single parents alike!
I would love to hear your take on being a single parent and dating. Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time...very soon...I promise!
One
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Don't Be Afraid to Ask
Wow! Now, I'm fully engulfed in social media, trying to manage multiple platforms to reach my audience, speaking on radio stations, invitations to speak with book clubs, etc. Can I stop for a moment to Praise Him?! Maybe I do a little of this in every blog, but when you are me and you have been where I have been and now you're here...you know it's not about you, nor can you take any credit. Not even a little bit! It's all the work and the power of Christ. I'm still not the most famous writer or most popular blogger. I don't want either of those things. My prayer is that people hear and apply the message of what develops the early stages of success in relationships.
Also, a little break to thank many of those who have read my book. I appreciate the feedback people have given me, and I hope they apply the knowledge, discern the wisdom and truly live fulfilled relationships.
Ok normally, I get straight to the heart of the matter on relationships. This time, although I know my book is faith based and that's not normally my topic of conversation here, that's where we are going today.
I sent my daughter a message a few days ago. It read simply "prayer changes things." Real talk...all day, every day. Our creator has a permissive will for our lives. The ultimate goal is to find that your will aligns with His will. That's a topic for another day, but it's important to know...find ways to align what you want with what he wants for you.
His permissive will can only be accessed one way: by asking. You have to pray. As a couple, learn to pray together. It's not difficult. It's not even awkward. "Baby, come over here...let's pray." It's that simple.
By praying together, you are inviting God's presence into your union. If you live for Him, there's nothing He won't do for you. What is really amazing, is you will find that your will lines up with His, and the prayers will be answered before you even pray them, because He knows the desires of your heart.
Obviously, I'm single...but more importantly, I'm cool with it. Kinda like it. The one thing (maybe a few things) that I would just love to do with a spouse is pray together. If you haven't done it, you might not understand. There's a presence released when you glorify His name with the person you love on this earth more than any other. I'm sure I could get all spiritual here, but I'll just say when you feel God's love and you experience it with someone else...there are no words. You just know, that you know...that you know...that the presence of God is in and around you.
Pray. Pray often. Pray without ceasing. Little prayers like "God help me" or big prayers like the ones your grandparents may do as you're hungry wanting to eat Thanksgiving turkey. It's all good. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes lives. Prayer enhances relationships.
Don't be afraid to ask Him for whatever it is...just pray.
Until the next one. :)
Also, a little break to thank many of those who have read my book. I appreciate the feedback people have given me, and I hope they apply the knowledge, discern the wisdom and truly live fulfilled relationships.
Ok normally, I get straight to the heart of the matter on relationships. This time, although I know my book is faith based and that's not normally my topic of conversation here, that's where we are going today.
I sent my daughter a message a few days ago. It read simply "prayer changes things." Real talk...all day, every day. Our creator has a permissive will for our lives. The ultimate goal is to find that your will aligns with His will. That's a topic for another day, but it's important to know...find ways to align what you want with what he wants for you.
His permissive will can only be accessed one way: by asking. You have to pray. As a couple, learn to pray together. It's not difficult. It's not even awkward. "Baby, come over here...let's pray." It's that simple.
By praying together, you are inviting God's presence into your union. If you live for Him, there's nothing He won't do for you. What is really amazing, is you will find that your will lines up with His, and the prayers will be answered before you even pray them, because He knows the desires of your heart.
Obviously, I'm single...but more importantly, I'm cool with it. Kinda like it. The one thing (maybe a few things) that I would just love to do with a spouse is pray together. If you haven't done it, you might not understand. There's a presence released when you glorify His name with the person you love on this earth more than any other. I'm sure I could get all spiritual here, but I'll just say when you feel God's love and you experience it with someone else...there are no words. You just know, that you know...that you know...that the presence of God is in and around you.
Pray. Pray often. Pray without ceasing. Little prayers like "God help me" or big prayers like the ones your grandparents may do as you're hungry wanting to eat Thanksgiving turkey. It's all good. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes lives. Prayer enhances relationships.
Don't be afraid to ask Him for whatever it is...just pray.
Until the next one. :)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Lack of Options? More of a Lack of Patience...
It's still so amazing, just how good God is to us. He put this book in my heart, opened the windows of Heaven to pour out his goodness, now I have book reviews flowing in, Radio and TV stations inquiring for interviews and a recent article which is upcoming soon in an online magazine. Again, I want to Praise His name now and make it clear that on days when nothing seems to go right and things just don't fall into place, I Praise Him on those days also. I value my relationship with Him as the ultimate successful relationship.
In the article I recently wrote for the magazine, I was asked to add some things which are relevant, that I don't address in the book. A topic that quickly came to mind the fact that our culture, the African-American culture has this disconnect between the genders when it comes to relationships. I want to expound more on those issues.
Women are led to believe "a good man is hard to find." There are articles out about how difficult is it to find a man who is not living at home, is gainfully employed and doesn't have "baby mama" drama. I will be the first to confess, we as men over the past generation have fallen short of the expecatations our grandparents and great-grandparents had for us. I fall in that category as well. I have never been married and I have 2 children. At least I'm blessed to be applying my knowledge at this point in my life, so I have grown to become a man who lives in Christ and Christ lives in me. I'm still not perfect, but I strive to follow His example. That digression of thought leads me to say, there are lots of other African-American men like me. You can't find most of those guys in the club, necessarily. You have to look for companionship while doing things that gravitate toward the lifestyle you want to be a part of. If you want to go to Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj concerts looking for a man, that's fine. I'm a Recording Industry major, nothing wrong with that. Make sure he has diverse tastes and there's more to his life than imitating the art of hip-hop. What is he doing now? What does this person aspire to do in two years? Singles groups aren't necessarily a great way to find a partner either, but what they really show is that you are able to exist without the dependency of a man. Joining workout clubs, book clubs and other places that interest you are places to find men who enjoy things you enjoy.
Never settle for a man you really don't want to be with. Being happy and alone is better than being with someone and not happy. You deserve a great relationship and if you take the time to realize you can and will have one by patience, perserverance and prayer, everything will work itself out.
Guys, we have to have the attitude that we want a woman that makes us happy. What you think of her sexually should be the least of your worries. That sounds crazy, I know, but if a woman fulfils your mind with great conversation, fulfills your heart with a willingness to serve you in love and fulfills your spirit with a shared faith in Christ, the other things will come naturally. Don't get me wrong, EVERY relationship requires work. What I'm saying is, find the person you really want to work toward something with. Something does not mean cohabitation. Something means a life together in covenant. If you're scared of commitment, don't go there, but don't sleep with multiple women, and take a part of them and destroy a part of yourself with each encounter. It sounds like I'm not a fan of sex or something like that. Read my book...you will find it's the exact opposite. My point is, like any other thing in life, everything has its time and place. Find a woman you want to spend your life with, take the necessary steps to make it official and then you can explore the intimate things with your wife. Until you get to that point, concentrate on the things which prepare you for your wife. Learn to understand women (Lol...I know that's a tough one). Learn to communicate clearly. Develop your faith. Cultivate your career.
Contrary to popular opinion, there are plenty of good men out there. As a matter of fact, one is writing this blog right now. :) Guys, let's develop ourselves to become great men for these great women out here who are preparing for loving, meaningful, lifelong relationships.
Jay
In the article I recently wrote for the magazine, I was asked to add some things which are relevant, that I don't address in the book. A topic that quickly came to mind the fact that our culture, the African-American culture has this disconnect between the genders when it comes to relationships. I want to expound more on those issues.
Women are led to believe "a good man is hard to find." There are articles out about how difficult is it to find a man who is not living at home, is gainfully employed and doesn't have "baby mama" drama. I will be the first to confess, we as men over the past generation have fallen short of the expecatations our grandparents and great-grandparents had for us. I fall in that category as well. I have never been married and I have 2 children. At least I'm blessed to be applying my knowledge at this point in my life, so I have grown to become a man who lives in Christ and Christ lives in me. I'm still not perfect, but I strive to follow His example. That digression of thought leads me to say, there are lots of other African-American men like me. You can't find most of those guys in the club, necessarily. You have to look for companionship while doing things that gravitate toward the lifestyle you want to be a part of. If you want to go to Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj concerts looking for a man, that's fine. I'm a Recording Industry major, nothing wrong with that. Make sure he has diverse tastes and there's more to his life than imitating the art of hip-hop. What is he doing now? What does this person aspire to do in two years? Singles groups aren't necessarily a great way to find a partner either, but what they really show is that you are able to exist without the dependency of a man. Joining workout clubs, book clubs and other places that interest you are places to find men who enjoy things you enjoy.
Never settle for a man you really don't want to be with. Being happy and alone is better than being with someone and not happy. You deserve a great relationship and if you take the time to realize you can and will have one by patience, perserverance and prayer, everything will work itself out.
Guys, we have to have the attitude that we want a woman that makes us happy. What you think of her sexually should be the least of your worries. That sounds crazy, I know, but if a woman fulfils your mind with great conversation, fulfills your heart with a willingness to serve you in love and fulfills your spirit with a shared faith in Christ, the other things will come naturally. Don't get me wrong, EVERY relationship requires work. What I'm saying is, find the person you really want to work toward something with. Something does not mean cohabitation. Something means a life together in covenant. If you're scared of commitment, don't go there, but don't sleep with multiple women, and take a part of them and destroy a part of yourself with each encounter. It sounds like I'm not a fan of sex or something like that. Read my book...you will find it's the exact opposite. My point is, like any other thing in life, everything has its time and place. Find a woman you want to spend your life with, take the necessary steps to make it official and then you can explore the intimate things with your wife. Until you get to that point, concentrate on the things which prepare you for your wife. Learn to understand women (Lol...I know that's a tough one). Learn to communicate clearly. Develop your faith. Cultivate your career.
Contrary to popular opinion, there are plenty of good men out there. As a matter of fact, one is writing this blog right now. :) Guys, let's develop ourselves to become great men for these great women out here who are preparing for loving, meaningful, lifelong relationships.
Jay
Saturday, February 12, 2011
When is Too Late, Really Too Late?
I hope everyone is doing well. Again, it's a very exciting time for me. My book is out on booksamillion.com, barnesandnoble.com, pendiumpublishing.com and hopefully soon to be in Barnes and Noble stores around the country. I have reviews which we be available on some sites soon, and I will give links to those once they are available. I have been blessed (again) beyond my wildest dreams.
Ok, so as usual, I'm hearing interesting stories everywhere. This one is very common and I believe it relates to more of us than I would ever hope to imagine. I know someone who is really tired of dealing with foolishness in their mate. Not the kind of foolishness that one might experience on a scene from The Maury Show, but it consists of infidelity, lack of remorse and a basic place where the spouses seem to be on separate paths in their lives at this point.
Interestingly this would normally be a story of a man who cheated, and he is being foolish. This time, it's a woman who cheated, and the man left the home. She has been ignoring his existence for a while. She works and does her thing, but there was clearly something wrong. She's not very affectionate, she doesn't do anything to "work" at making the marriage last a lifetime blessing for both of them. They have two children, and they share some responsibility, but for the most part, they are his responsibility. Somewhere along the line, it came out that she had been seeing someone else. There had been a lot lacking from this relationship for quite some time. No emotion, no affection, no working at it--basically from either side, because at some point, he got frustrated with the situation.
He left. Point blank, period. He feels like he had given her chance after chance to show she wanted to be there. The guy in this relationship felt like he had done everything possible to give her an opportunity to show in both word and deed that his wife was really still in love with him and wanted to work through their differences and make their marriage work.
This is an all-too familiar story. We know absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course, she wants him back. Here's the problem, it may really be too late. The signs have been there for months. They have had conversations about her complacency, her lack of affection, basically just coasting along like roommates. No person should have to be subject to that behavior from a spouse, but it happens all the time. Much too often.
The question therefore becomes, when is too late, really too late? Ultimately the decision is up to the individual. There are two questions in this case, I think he should ask himself and be honest and frank in his answers to himself. First, has every option been exhausted? Marriage counseling (church or non-church related)? Has there been true open communication? Separation (in this case--yes)? If you can't see things changing now, while you are in the middle of the situation, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to believe they will change going forward. Let me use this analogy: If a guy knows he has messed up, if he's smart, he'll bring his girlfriend/wife flowers, her favorite candy...something as at the very least a token of his affection. It doesn't have to be tangible. It could be praying together. It could be saying he has been "in denial" and needs help getting over an addiction. Whatever! Something has to be done to show the other person is at least making an effort to change. If you can't see change (tangible or otherwise), you can stop here and don't even have to proceed to question 2. It's over. It's fine for your spouse to miss you when you leave and beg you to come back. It's worthless if the action (in this case, separation) has not effected change.
The second question is, are you capable of true reconciliation? This has a lot of subtexts to it. With reference to this particular situation, he should ask himself if he still loves her--and give an unbiased answer. It would be good to take a moment in solitude and write these questions and answers. There's something therapeutic and a way of providing closure (good or bad) to a situation when you can see something tangible on paper. They have 2 children, therefore another subtext here is, "are you considering staying for the kids?" If the answer is yes, that's a definite path to LEAVE. NOW. QUICKLY. Children of relationships of convenience tend to be spouses in relationships of convenience. I know some of those kids, who are adults today in unhappy homes, causing cycles of unhappy homes. Your children will respect you more if you leave under amicable circumstances, than staying under bad ones. They learn strength and courage from a parent being strong in times of trials and tribulations. Show yourself faithful to your Creator and He will show Himself faithful to you. Sometimes leaving takes that first step of faith. Take it! Living in fraudulent relationships are the opposite of the title of the blog--successful relationships. Closing out the subtexts would be, "is your spouse contributing to your life moving forward, in the direction you want, or a hindrance and an anchor holding you from becoming who your maker meant you to be?" If the answer is they are holding you back, and the rest of the answers are also negative, how fast can you get the divorce papers signed? At some point, common sense should take over. Nothing positive is nothing gained. Move on. Let it go.
That being said, the name of my blog and book are 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship. I am not a proponent of ending a relationship without just cause. I am not a proponent of divorce, but there are times when adultery comes into play. There are times when the commitment is gone and adultery is actually not the reason for the loss of commitment, but the result of the commitment being lost (Ladies, I know you hear me on that)! Sometimes, you just can't move on. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's over. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish in this instance, for this man, I could tell him, it's not like that. I know this situation. It's over. Why prolong the inevitable? There will be tears, it will be painful, Heaven knows he will have to deal with it long after the divorce papers are signed. They will have to be adults who raise children together. Eventually, he will see her with another man. None of that will be easy, but it's necessary. Extending inevitable pain is not good for anyone, and will be worse the longer it is allowed to simmer. You can't move forward and allow another door to be opened for you, until you permanently close doors which are necessary to be closed. That occurs in careers, school, relationships--all of life's journeys. If one door has to be closed, allow that to happen. Your Creator will open several other doors for you. For someone who is as against divorce as I, it pains me to say (but it's necessary), sometimes the Successful relationships are the ones you develop after you leave the not so successful ones.
One Love...
Ok, so as usual, I'm hearing interesting stories everywhere. This one is very common and I believe it relates to more of us than I would ever hope to imagine. I know someone who is really tired of dealing with foolishness in their mate. Not the kind of foolishness that one might experience on a scene from The Maury Show, but it consists of infidelity, lack of remorse and a basic place where the spouses seem to be on separate paths in their lives at this point.
Interestingly this would normally be a story of a man who cheated, and he is being foolish. This time, it's a woman who cheated, and the man left the home. She has been ignoring his existence for a while. She works and does her thing, but there was clearly something wrong. She's not very affectionate, she doesn't do anything to "work" at making the marriage last a lifetime blessing for both of them. They have two children, and they share some responsibility, but for the most part, they are his responsibility. Somewhere along the line, it came out that she had been seeing someone else. There had been a lot lacking from this relationship for quite some time. No emotion, no affection, no working at it--basically from either side, because at some point, he got frustrated with the situation.
He left. Point blank, period. He feels like he had given her chance after chance to show she wanted to be there. The guy in this relationship felt like he had done everything possible to give her an opportunity to show in both word and deed that his wife was really still in love with him and wanted to work through their differences and make their marriage work.
This is an all-too familiar story. We know absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course, she wants him back. Here's the problem, it may really be too late. The signs have been there for months. They have had conversations about her complacency, her lack of affection, basically just coasting along like roommates. No person should have to be subject to that behavior from a spouse, but it happens all the time. Much too often.
The question therefore becomes, when is too late, really too late? Ultimately the decision is up to the individual. There are two questions in this case, I think he should ask himself and be honest and frank in his answers to himself. First, has every option been exhausted? Marriage counseling (church or non-church related)? Has there been true open communication? Separation (in this case--yes)? If you can't see things changing now, while you are in the middle of the situation, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to believe they will change going forward. Let me use this analogy: If a guy knows he has messed up, if he's smart, he'll bring his girlfriend/wife flowers, her favorite candy...something as at the very least a token of his affection. It doesn't have to be tangible. It could be praying together. It could be saying he has been "in denial" and needs help getting over an addiction. Whatever! Something has to be done to show the other person is at least making an effort to change. If you can't see change (tangible or otherwise), you can stop here and don't even have to proceed to question 2. It's over. It's fine for your spouse to miss you when you leave and beg you to come back. It's worthless if the action (in this case, separation) has not effected change.
The second question is, are you capable of true reconciliation? This has a lot of subtexts to it. With reference to this particular situation, he should ask himself if he still loves her--and give an unbiased answer. It would be good to take a moment in solitude and write these questions and answers. There's something therapeutic and a way of providing closure (good or bad) to a situation when you can see something tangible on paper. They have 2 children, therefore another subtext here is, "are you considering staying for the kids?" If the answer is yes, that's a definite path to LEAVE. NOW. QUICKLY. Children of relationships of convenience tend to be spouses in relationships of convenience. I know some of those kids, who are adults today in unhappy homes, causing cycles of unhappy homes. Your children will respect you more if you leave under amicable circumstances, than staying under bad ones. They learn strength and courage from a parent being strong in times of trials and tribulations. Show yourself faithful to your Creator and He will show Himself faithful to you. Sometimes leaving takes that first step of faith. Take it! Living in fraudulent relationships are the opposite of the title of the blog--successful relationships. Closing out the subtexts would be, "is your spouse contributing to your life moving forward, in the direction you want, or a hindrance and an anchor holding you from becoming who your maker meant you to be?" If the answer is they are holding you back, and the rest of the answers are also negative, how fast can you get the divorce papers signed? At some point, common sense should take over. Nothing positive is nothing gained. Move on. Let it go.
That being said, the name of my blog and book are 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship. I am not a proponent of ending a relationship without just cause. I am not a proponent of divorce, but there are times when adultery comes into play. There are times when the commitment is gone and adultery is actually not the reason for the loss of commitment, but the result of the commitment being lost (Ladies, I know you hear me on that)! Sometimes, you just can't move on. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's over. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish in this instance, for this man, I could tell him, it's not like that. I know this situation. It's over. Why prolong the inevitable? There will be tears, it will be painful, Heaven knows he will have to deal with it long after the divorce papers are signed. They will have to be adults who raise children together. Eventually, he will see her with another man. None of that will be easy, but it's necessary. Extending inevitable pain is not good for anyone, and will be worse the longer it is allowed to simmer. You can't move forward and allow another door to be opened for you, until you permanently close doors which are necessary to be closed. That occurs in careers, school, relationships--all of life's journeys. If one door has to be closed, allow that to happen. Your Creator will open several other doors for you. For someone who is as against divorce as I, it pains me to say (but it's necessary), sometimes the Successful relationships are the ones you develop after you leave the not so successful ones.
One Love...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Definitely Worth Waiting For
Ok, so it's been a long time, I know. I have been away, getting my ducks lined up for Valentine's Day. Yep, that's the day the book comes out, and everyone can get so much more insight on ways to enhance your relationship, "for singles." I'm so excited to finally get the complete message out. I want to share the wisdom I have been led to give with everyone, so we can stop finding some of the potholes we tend to gravitate towards in relationships, unfortunately over and over again. Not anymore, now we're going to make some better choices, to get some better results! That's what the 9 Tenets are about.
So I was just talking to a friend about a good friend of hers. She was telling me that her homegirl is dating a guy a few years younger than her. He left town for a while and during the time he was away, he changed his photo on Facebook to a picture of him with another girl. Well, this left the original girl upset, and when he returned to town, she then wanted to "define" the relationship. In her heart, the relationship was already defined, she simply needed confirmation.
My friend made a great point...at this point it was too late to do what should have been done from the beginning. They had been intimate, and now her heart was showing on her sleeve and she wanted a commitment. The relationship soured and since he held out for a while, now they are back...not back together mind you, they never were together. They are back to the "intimate" relationship with no strings attached. The girl obviously wants more, but all she knows to do is to wait for him, and let him do what he wants to do until he is ready to commit to her.
Ladies, this is why you are definitely worth waiting for. Now her heart is caught up in the situation. If she would have realized commitment (and in my opinion, marriage) precedes sexual intimacy, then she would have waited. She wouldn't be emotionally trapped in a bad situation. I hope she takes her friend's advice to look at the situation without the blinders of her emotion involved, but right now, it's hard to remove her from the situation. Put a price on your self-worth, ladies...you are worth waiting for, and if you make him wait, he will appreciate you more in the long run as well.
So happy to be back on the blog...until next time!
Footnote:
The book is available now for presale orders at www.pendiumpublishing.com.
So I was just talking to a friend about a good friend of hers. She was telling me that her homegirl is dating a guy a few years younger than her. He left town for a while and during the time he was away, he changed his photo on Facebook to a picture of him with another girl. Well, this left the original girl upset, and when he returned to town, she then wanted to "define" the relationship. In her heart, the relationship was already defined, she simply needed confirmation.
My friend made a great point...at this point it was too late to do what should have been done from the beginning. They had been intimate, and now her heart was showing on her sleeve and she wanted a commitment. The relationship soured and since he held out for a while, now they are back...not back together mind you, they never were together. They are back to the "intimate" relationship with no strings attached. The girl obviously wants more, but all she knows to do is to wait for him, and let him do what he wants to do until he is ready to commit to her.
Ladies, this is why you are definitely worth waiting for. Now her heart is caught up in the situation. If she would have realized commitment (and in my opinion, marriage) precedes sexual intimacy, then she would have waited. She wouldn't be emotionally trapped in a bad situation. I hope she takes her friend's advice to look at the situation without the blinders of her emotion involved, but right now, it's hard to remove her from the situation. Put a price on your self-worth, ladies...you are worth waiting for, and if you make him wait, he will appreciate you more in the long run as well.
So happy to be back on the blog...until next time!
Footnote:
The book is available now for presale orders at www.pendiumpublishing.com.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
How Does One Really Do This?
Once again it's on, or so I wish. I guess in my literary world, it is on...I'm back writing my blog again, and I can't wait to share with you. Where I grew up, when we said "it's on," it meant, "she's going to be the girl I get tonight," or some variation thereof.
So by that standard, it's not on for me and hasn't been in quite sometime. Would I say it's by choice? Hmmm...I would rather say it's by devotion. I might be devoted to trying to do what I know I should be doing, since I'm not yet married, but it doesn't make it any easier. Cold showers...maybe they work for someone else, but all they make me is cold, still aroused and now mad because I'm cold.
Sex is pretty important to me, as it is to most everyone else. Therefore, how do you really fight that natural predisposition to the flesh, the surrounding influences that help that predisposition and the simple crave to enjoy the companionship of the opposite sex without dishonoring the rules given to us by our Creator? Well, first we have to be open and honest to understand it's not easy. Don't go into being abstinent believing it's a cakewalk and if you don't want to give it up you don't have to. That's the wrong way to think about it, and you'll soon find this is a wrong way of thinking. You will be tempted, you will want companionship, which at the very least will have you thinking about sex.
You can definitely have companionship without sex, but there's a different mindset for different people there. If you want to date someone exclusively (or are dating non-exclusively), you will find when you put yourself in compromising positions, you are much easier tempted. Watching a movie at home with your man is fine, but if you are trying not to take it to another level, those dates need to be few and far in between. The concept of the date will often have a lot to do with how compromising it is. Going to public places can be fun and romantic, and normally, the more private the date is, the more compromising the position is.
Also, if you're trying to rock the abstinence thing, it's good to date others who are doing the same thing. For me, at this point I don't date very much because I know I need someone who is AT LEAST as devoted to not going there as I am, because I can be tempted. Therefore, I need to be selective in who I choose to spend my time with. I think it's a good way of thinking. If you aren't trying to go there, you need to hang out with others who aren't trying to go there. For you old school hip hop heads, Rakim once said, "She kissed me slow, and you know how far a kiss can go...f**k around and miss the show." How many of us have experienced something of that nature? There is so much reality in that statement. If you know that the slightest kiss, or even a look can take you where you had no intention of going, then you simply can't let it occur. Period.
Over the past couple of years, I have had a couple of "run-ins" with ladies. Once, I think I wanted to see if I could avoid temptation while being in the Lion's Den, and the other time, I was simply overcome with the moment and the temptation. The first occasion, I quickly figured out I couldn't escape temptation without my commitment, my devotion and my faith. I believe He was looking out for me, because she didn't let us go any farther than we did. The second time, again, I believe a higher calling was in my corner because I was in the ultimate compromising position and nothing happened.
If we stay in faith first, all things are possible. Faith should also open doors of wisdom to us. Wisdom breeds obedience. If we are wise, we will work to stay away from the temptation of the flesh until the time is right and it's no longer a temptation, it's a blessing. Look for opportunities to stay in faith, as opposed to searching out opportunities to be tempted. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm simply saying, this is how you really can do this...
Until next time...One!
So by that standard, it's not on for me and hasn't been in quite sometime. Would I say it's by choice? Hmmm...I would rather say it's by devotion. I might be devoted to trying to do what I know I should be doing, since I'm not yet married, but it doesn't make it any easier. Cold showers...maybe they work for someone else, but all they make me is cold, still aroused and now mad because I'm cold.
Sex is pretty important to me, as it is to most everyone else. Therefore, how do you really fight that natural predisposition to the flesh, the surrounding influences that help that predisposition and the simple crave to enjoy the companionship of the opposite sex without dishonoring the rules given to us by our Creator? Well, first we have to be open and honest to understand it's not easy. Don't go into being abstinent believing it's a cakewalk and if you don't want to give it up you don't have to. That's the wrong way to think about it, and you'll soon find this is a wrong way of thinking. You will be tempted, you will want companionship, which at the very least will have you thinking about sex.
You can definitely have companionship without sex, but there's a different mindset for different people there. If you want to date someone exclusively (or are dating non-exclusively), you will find when you put yourself in compromising positions, you are much easier tempted. Watching a movie at home with your man is fine, but if you are trying not to take it to another level, those dates need to be few and far in between. The concept of the date will often have a lot to do with how compromising it is. Going to public places can be fun and romantic, and normally, the more private the date is, the more compromising the position is.
Also, if you're trying to rock the abstinence thing, it's good to date others who are doing the same thing. For me, at this point I don't date very much because I know I need someone who is AT LEAST as devoted to not going there as I am, because I can be tempted. Therefore, I need to be selective in who I choose to spend my time with. I think it's a good way of thinking. If you aren't trying to go there, you need to hang out with others who aren't trying to go there. For you old school hip hop heads, Rakim once said, "She kissed me slow, and you know how far a kiss can go...f**k around and miss the show." How many of us have experienced something of that nature? There is so much reality in that statement. If you know that the slightest kiss, or even a look can take you where you had no intention of going, then you simply can't let it occur. Period.
Over the past couple of years, I have had a couple of "run-ins" with ladies. Once, I think I wanted to see if I could avoid temptation while being in the Lion's Den, and the other time, I was simply overcome with the moment and the temptation. The first occasion, I quickly figured out I couldn't escape temptation without my commitment, my devotion and my faith. I believe He was looking out for me, because she didn't let us go any farther than we did. The second time, again, I believe a higher calling was in my corner because I was in the ultimate compromising position and nothing happened.
If we stay in faith first, all things are possible. Faith should also open doors of wisdom to us. Wisdom breeds obedience. If we are wise, we will work to stay away from the temptation of the flesh until the time is right and it's no longer a temptation, it's a blessing. Look for opportunities to stay in faith, as opposed to searching out opportunities to be tempted. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm simply saying, this is how you really can do this...
Until next time...One!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Ok, I Get It...I Get It...
What's crack-a-lackin everyone? Loving every minute of my blessed life, so busy this week trying to complete the publishing of this book. It's soooo close, we're about to chance some lives and build some better relationships! That's exciting, and I praise Him for providing the opportunity to reach you with my words and my book.
This past week, I think I had a bit of a flashback moment. On a couple of different occasions, I was getting to know someone and somewhere along the line, something changed. Naturally, doing what I do to respond and help others, the first thing I do is look at myself. Did I say something? Did I do something wrong? Was I too pushy? Was I too nonchalant? Retrospectively, I don't think I was any of those things in either of these situations. Let me expound.
I once heard Bishop Jakes say you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. That was my flashback moment, as I racked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. Now, neither of these situations was anywhere NEAR that point. We weren't even dating. Just talking, keeping in touch, etc. The premise still rings true. Sometimes people change their minds or sometimes people are going through things or sometimes people realize whatever they expected isn't what they were receiving, so they move on. Real talk...it's not my problem. You know, I don't have to be pressed to relate to anyone or speak to anyone. If we are mutually interested in one another, then it's natural to keep the conversation going. If something changes, then instead of forcing the issue, or asking a bunch of questions that go above and beyond where I need to take it, move on.
Sometimes we get interested so quickly, when we catch one of these "curveballs" it throws us for such a loop we don't know what to do. Let me help you out...keep it moving! Even me...remember, this one happened to me! I'm having intriguing convo, spending time on the phone, and all of a sudden, something changes. The conversations stop, the emails end. You ask a few questions, sometimes you might get a quick response which is clearly "I don't want to be rude, but you're not getting it" response. People change and go through things. More often than not, this type of behavior has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. Do not let it get you twisted, keep it moving.
Even when you seem to have so much in common and everything is clicking, if they stop talking or something changes which is clearly abnormal behavior to what you have experienced before, especially in the early stages, give them plenty of space. The amazing thing about giving them space is quite often the same person works through whatever they are going through, appreciates you for understanding and becomes even closer to you. Regardless whether or not they come back, as Bishop Jakes said, you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. If you keep it moving, you will find someone who loves you more than you can imagine. Once you actually "get it," then you won't be able to keep the one who really loves you from finding their way to you.
Until next time, yall...One.
**When "9 Tenets" comes out, read the chapter on "Square Pegs/Round Holes" to get more understanding and have more discussion on this topic.
This past week, I think I had a bit of a flashback moment. On a couple of different occasions, I was getting to know someone and somewhere along the line, something changed. Naturally, doing what I do to respond and help others, the first thing I do is look at myself. Did I say something? Did I do something wrong? Was I too pushy? Was I too nonchalant? Retrospectively, I don't think I was any of those things in either of these situations. Let me expound.
I once heard Bishop Jakes say you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. That was my flashback moment, as I racked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. Now, neither of these situations was anywhere NEAR that point. We weren't even dating. Just talking, keeping in touch, etc. The premise still rings true. Sometimes people change their minds or sometimes people are going through things or sometimes people realize whatever they expected isn't what they were receiving, so they move on. Real talk...it's not my problem. You know, I don't have to be pressed to relate to anyone or speak to anyone. If we are mutually interested in one another, then it's natural to keep the conversation going. If something changes, then instead of forcing the issue, or asking a bunch of questions that go above and beyond where I need to take it, move on.
Sometimes we get interested so quickly, when we catch one of these "curveballs" it throws us for such a loop we don't know what to do. Let me help you out...keep it moving! Even me...remember, this one happened to me! I'm having intriguing convo, spending time on the phone, and all of a sudden, something changes. The conversations stop, the emails end. You ask a few questions, sometimes you might get a quick response which is clearly "I don't want to be rude, but you're not getting it" response. People change and go through things. More often than not, this type of behavior has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. Do not let it get you twisted, keep it moving.
Even when you seem to have so much in common and everything is clicking, if they stop talking or something changes which is clearly abnormal behavior to what you have experienced before, especially in the early stages, give them plenty of space. The amazing thing about giving them space is quite often the same person works through whatever they are going through, appreciates you for understanding and becomes even closer to you. Regardless whether or not they come back, as Bishop Jakes said, you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. If you keep it moving, you will find someone who loves you more than you can imagine. Once you actually "get it," then you won't be able to keep the one who really loves you from finding their way to you.
Until next time, yall...One.
**When "9 Tenets" comes out, read the chapter on "Square Pegs/Round Holes" to get more understanding and have more discussion on this topic.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Take a Moment to Reflect
Every now and then we are watching something and we are caught of guard. Literally, taken aback. I had that happen to me today. I was watching a certain celebrity get interviewed (the person in this case doesn't matter) and I know this guy to be a somewhat condescending, arrogant individual. I don't know him personally, but what his co-workers and friends say about him in a sugar-coated sort of way, in addition to how he normally carries himself makes those traits believable.
All of that said, today during his interview, he had a moment to reflect on his life. He realizes in his heart he would not be where he is today without the relationship he has with God and the way He works in his life. The most interesting thing he said was, "I have this project coming up, but I'm not worried about it, God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do." The audience was so caught up in his other revelations and his stirring commentary, they overlooked this powerful, yet profound statement.
Think about that for a moment in the context of your life or any life: You have a book deal on the table, you're in line for a promotion, you have a man you have wanted to take you seriously for years...but now, you're not worried about it, because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do. You have a man who won't treat you right, you have a child who won't listen, you have a boss who doesn't respect you...regardless, you're not worried about it because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do! That's faith, and that's the kind of unconditional faith we should strive to achieve.
When the interviewer wanted to talk about the project (a book), the celebrity gave the statement that God is going to do with it whatever He is going to do, and proceeded to talk about his relationship with God for quite a while. That's great, but the real point is, he never---NEVER got back to talking about his book. I still don't know the name of the book, I don't know the topic, don't even know when it's coming out. Who would do such a thing? Who would take an opportunity not to self-promote when being asked to do so in front of a national TV audience? Someone with the faith of a mustard seed...that's who! For a man who has a touch of arrogance, turning your life over to anyone is difficult. Whether that person may be you wife, doctor, or whomever. For a moment consider an A-type personality, borderline narcissist, turning their life over to Christ...it's almost inconceivable. Until you think about it, and you realize all things are possible through Christ. (I left the name of the celebrity out as it is someone everyone has heard of, but their presence will be a distraction from the point of the article)
My blog is not a blog to try to influence people to be converted to Christianity or to delve into the nature of religion. Sometimes Christianity will be addressed because it's a part of who I am. In this case, it's addressed because it creates a moment of reflection. Much like this person, take the time to look at who you are, why you are who you are, and maybe just as importantly, what has happened to get you to where you are. I often write about where we want to go, what we want to achieve and accomplish, but we will never get there if we don't know where we have been.
This blog is about relationships, so reflect on your relationships from time to time. What did you learn? What was really good about a situation? What was bad about the relationship? What would you like to see different next time, because reflection has shown you were missing something? Reflect on who you have become. Be able to tell someone else why are you who you are today. This way, your thought process has a pattern which is tangible--which makes it easier to work on. Ideas are constantly evolving, but if you put it on paper or in some tangible medium, you have something in front of you to reflect on and work through. If your pattern shows you are repeating the same things (like many of us), take heed: If you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results. Reflection will show growth, it will show death (of old things that were not useful), and it will show contentment of things that you want to continue in your life. Taking moments in time to reflect periodically will allow you to apply your knowledge gained to get the desired outcome in the future. That's a fairly clinical sentence, but if you don't get my point: Reflect. Often. Until next time...one
All of that said, today during his interview, he had a moment to reflect on his life. He realizes in his heart he would not be where he is today without the relationship he has with God and the way He works in his life. The most interesting thing he said was, "I have this project coming up, but I'm not worried about it, God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do." The audience was so caught up in his other revelations and his stirring commentary, they overlooked this powerful, yet profound statement.
Think about that for a moment in the context of your life or any life: You have a book deal on the table, you're in line for a promotion, you have a man you have wanted to take you seriously for years...but now, you're not worried about it, because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do. You have a man who won't treat you right, you have a child who won't listen, you have a boss who doesn't respect you...regardless, you're not worried about it because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do! That's faith, and that's the kind of unconditional faith we should strive to achieve.
When the interviewer wanted to talk about the project (a book), the celebrity gave the statement that God is going to do with it whatever He is going to do, and proceeded to talk about his relationship with God for quite a while. That's great, but the real point is, he never---NEVER got back to talking about his book. I still don't know the name of the book, I don't know the topic, don't even know when it's coming out. Who would do such a thing? Who would take an opportunity not to self-promote when being asked to do so in front of a national TV audience? Someone with the faith of a mustard seed...that's who! For a man who has a touch of arrogance, turning your life over to anyone is difficult. Whether that person may be you wife, doctor, or whomever. For a moment consider an A-type personality, borderline narcissist, turning their life over to Christ...it's almost inconceivable. Until you think about it, and you realize all things are possible through Christ. (I left the name of the celebrity out as it is someone everyone has heard of, but their presence will be a distraction from the point of the article)
My blog is not a blog to try to influence people to be converted to Christianity or to delve into the nature of religion. Sometimes Christianity will be addressed because it's a part of who I am. In this case, it's addressed because it creates a moment of reflection. Much like this person, take the time to look at who you are, why you are who you are, and maybe just as importantly, what has happened to get you to where you are. I often write about where we want to go, what we want to achieve and accomplish, but we will never get there if we don't know where we have been.
This blog is about relationships, so reflect on your relationships from time to time. What did you learn? What was really good about a situation? What was bad about the relationship? What would you like to see different next time, because reflection has shown you were missing something? Reflect on who you have become. Be able to tell someone else why are you who you are today. This way, your thought process has a pattern which is tangible--which makes it easier to work on. Ideas are constantly evolving, but if you put it on paper or in some tangible medium, you have something in front of you to reflect on and work through. If your pattern shows you are repeating the same things (like many of us), take heed: If you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results. Reflection will show growth, it will show death (of old things that were not useful), and it will show contentment of things that you want to continue in your life. Taking moments in time to reflect periodically will allow you to apply your knowledge gained to get the desired outcome in the future. That's a fairly clinical sentence, but if you don't get my point: Reflect. Often. Until next time...one
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Maybe a little push?
Don't get in my kitchen because I have been away. It's still all love, sometimes even writers have to take a moment away. I'm back now, so let's get it poppin again...
A friend was discussing something with me a few days ago, and I want to discuss with you. She said, she's a bit shy, and she's still learning this "he's pushing up on me, so how do I respond" thing. I'm not going to put her business in the street, but let me say she's a beautiful woman, with a lot of great stuff going for her. She could have cats following her around like little puppies, if she so desired, but she's still a bit rough around the edges on the early stages of courtship, which in many ways is a good thing. If you have ever played golf, you know people who have learned to swing a golf club wrong. I know mostly women read this blog, but even if you're not a golfer and you get a free moment, google "Charles Barkley swings a golf club." It's hilarious! He has this learned trait of having this hesistation in his hideous golf swing. He learned to do it the wrong way. The same thing with talking to the opposite sex. If you learn bad behaviors, they are hard to change. My homegirl hasn't learned bad behaviors, she just hasn't learned any behaviors, so she tries to feel her way through the situation.
One of the biggest turnoffs for women is for a guy to send a pic of himself to her...especially too early in the relationship. Not the average pic, mind you...a more "intimate" -shall we say- picture. Naked pics of yourselves, my brothers, are quick ways to guarantee you get no more response from a woman. My friend had someone do this to her. She didn't know how to respond. It's not as though she knew this guy for months, or even weeks. She just met him! Now, she's interested, but he's trying to gamble on her being either (a) horny (b) promiscuous (c) intrigued by his self-perceived sexiness or (d) all of the above. There's a chance he could catch the right girl that fits one of those criteria if he tosses that out there enough, but ladies--please understand--this is a "I'm going to throw this out there to see if it sticks" tactic. Basically, we realize sometimes we know what we want up front and we don't want to work for it. If we can cut to the chase, and leave the option open in your mind that we are "interested" so to speak, all the better. Simply put, if a man wants you sexually, but doesn't want to wait for it, he's going to offer options up front and see if you accept or not. If you don't accept, he will move on or he will continue to pursue, but with the exact same goal in mind. You have to show you are stronger than his will. Don't give in, and in my opinion, don't allow him to pursue you.
You are the guardian of your life, your spirit, your destiny. If someone doesn't even respect you enough to play the game the right way, then what makes you think he will respect you when he gets closer to you, or when he entertains you sexually, or when he has your heart. The heart is deceitful. Listen to that instinct that says, "this isn't right," or "this doesn't make sense." Trust your intellect and not your want to have someone, or your need to be with someone. You're much smarter than your heart would lead you to believe.
The name of the post is "maybe a little push." I titled it that because at the beginning I mentioned that my homie is a bit shy. She feels like sometimes she meets guys who don't lead the conversation toward going out with her, getting to know her, dating her, etc. That being the case, should she give a little push? I think you should leave the door open, if you are interested in a man who is pursuing you. You can say, "hey, it's cool you like football...I love going to Cowboys games (sorry Titans fans)." That left an opening. The underlying theme is "I like going to games and I just told you that...so are you going to ask to take me to a game?" That's fine as a slight push. Anything else is denying a man the opportunity to pursue his woman. Also, anything much more than that, and you deny yourself the opportunity to be attracted by his pursuit. It's not necessarily about playing hard to get, but it is about him showing he's working to "get" to know you. If he can't lead in a courtship, what would make you think he can lead in a relationship or a marriage? Let him put in a little work. You'll appreciate me for it later. Remember, no pushing, just a slight "open door." If he's doesn't come through the door...slam it in his face and move on to the next one. You were spared his inept ability to pursue you appropriately and you helped him grow as he will realize he didn't do something right, so he'll be better in his next encounter.
One love, yall...
A friend was discussing something with me a few days ago, and I want to discuss with you. She said, she's a bit shy, and she's still learning this "he's pushing up on me, so how do I respond" thing. I'm not going to put her business in the street, but let me say she's a beautiful woman, with a lot of great stuff going for her. She could have cats following her around like little puppies, if she so desired, but she's still a bit rough around the edges on the early stages of courtship, which in many ways is a good thing. If you have ever played golf, you know people who have learned to swing a golf club wrong. I know mostly women read this blog, but even if you're not a golfer and you get a free moment, google "Charles Barkley swings a golf club." It's hilarious! He has this learned trait of having this hesistation in his hideous golf swing. He learned to do it the wrong way. The same thing with talking to the opposite sex. If you learn bad behaviors, they are hard to change. My homegirl hasn't learned bad behaviors, she just hasn't learned any behaviors, so she tries to feel her way through the situation.
One of the biggest turnoffs for women is for a guy to send a pic of himself to her...especially too early in the relationship. Not the average pic, mind you...a more "intimate" -shall we say- picture. Naked pics of yourselves, my brothers, are quick ways to guarantee you get no more response from a woman. My friend had someone do this to her. She didn't know how to respond. It's not as though she knew this guy for months, or even weeks. She just met him! Now, she's interested, but he's trying to gamble on her being either (a) horny (b) promiscuous (c) intrigued by his self-perceived sexiness or (d) all of the above. There's a chance he could catch the right girl that fits one of those criteria if he tosses that out there enough, but ladies--please understand--this is a "I'm going to throw this out there to see if it sticks" tactic. Basically, we realize sometimes we know what we want up front and we don't want to work for it. If we can cut to the chase, and leave the option open in your mind that we are "interested" so to speak, all the better. Simply put, if a man wants you sexually, but doesn't want to wait for it, he's going to offer options up front and see if you accept or not. If you don't accept, he will move on or he will continue to pursue, but with the exact same goal in mind. You have to show you are stronger than his will. Don't give in, and in my opinion, don't allow him to pursue you.
You are the guardian of your life, your spirit, your destiny. If someone doesn't even respect you enough to play the game the right way, then what makes you think he will respect you when he gets closer to you, or when he entertains you sexually, or when he has your heart. The heart is deceitful. Listen to that instinct that says, "this isn't right," or "this doesn't make sense." Trust your intellect and not your want to have someone, or your need to be with someone. You're much smarter than your heart would lead you to believe.
The name of the post is "maybe a little push." I titled it that because at the beginning I mentioned that my homie is a bit shy. She feels like sometimes she meets guys who don't lead the conversation toward going out with her, getting to know her, dating her, etc. That being the case, should she give a little push? I think you should leave the door open, if you are interested in a man who is pursuing you. You can say, "hey, it's cool you like football...I love going to Cowboys games (sorry Titans fans)." That left an opening. The underlying theme is "I like going to games and I just told you that...so are you going to ask to take me to a game?" That's fine as a slight push. Anything else is denying a man the opportunity to pursue his woman. Also, anything much more than that, and you deny yourself the opportunity to be attracted by his pursuit. It's not necessarily about playing hard to get, but it is about him showing he's working to "get" to know you. If he can't lead in a courtship, what would make you think he can lead in a relationship or a marriage? Let him put in a little work. You'll appreciate me for it later. Remember, no pushing, just a slight "open door." If he's doesn't come through the door...slam it in his face and move on to the next one. You were spared his inept ability to pursue you appropriately and you helped him grow as he will realize he didn't do something right, so he'll be better in his next encounter.
One love, yall...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Concise...but keepin it 100
Relationships are built on trust, and loyalty. A key component of both of those things is honesty. To trust someone, they have to show their honesty to you, and in turn you reciprocate. The same goes for loyalty. For one to be loyal to someone, there has to be a commonality, even thieves can be loyal to one another, but they have to be honest in their "honor among thieves" with one another.
The context of the relationship doesn't matter, but this point holds true regardless...if you are honest with each other, both parties are much more open to making the partnership work. Honesty doesn't allow for unconscionable contracts in business dealings. Honesty doesn't allow for mistresses on the side in marriages. Honesty doesn't allow for friends to be talking about a friend behind their back and saying they something different to that same person's face. One of the definitions of honesty is 'freedom from deceit or fraud.' That's honesty in a nutshell. Let's not live our lives with ulterior motives. Let's not try to find ways around tough situations by making them tougher. My pastor said this week, "no one has to tell a child how to lie, they are sinners by nature." We all fall short of the Glory. Knowing this is true, make it a point in your life to work to overcome that shortfall. Simply tell the truth and deal with the consequences. The consequences of being caught in a lie are almost always worse, and even when they are not exposed externally, we have to live with that guilt on our conscious every day. It's simply not worth it. Be open and honest, and people will respect you more than you will believe.
The context of the relationship doesn't matter, but this point holds true regardless...if you are honest with each other, both parties are much more open to making the partnership work. Honesty doesn't allow for unconscionable contracts in business dealings. Honesty doesn't allow for mistresses on the side in marriages. Honesty doesn't allow for friends to be talking about a friend behind their back and saying they something different to that same person's face. One of the definitions of honesty is 'freedom from deceit or fraud.' That's honesty in a nutshell. Let's not live our lives with ulterior motives. Let's not try to find ways around tough situations by making them tougher. My pastor said this week, "no one has to tell a child how to lie, they are sinners by nature." We all fall short of the Glory. Knowing this is true, make it a point in your life to work to overcome that shortfall. Simply tell the truth and deal with the consequences. The consequences of being caught in a lie are almost always worse, and even when they are not exposed externally, we have to live with that guilt on our conscious every day. It's simply not worth it. Be open and honest, and people will respect you more than you will believe.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
What Do We Really Want?
Ok, so this week I had a couple of very interesting moments. Rarely do I have a moment which I can say, "that's the Spirit of God," or "that's God's Divine Intervention." I had two of those this week.
Very similar events. The first event was waking up early in the morning from the 'pop' of a water bottle (contracting or expanding because of air pressure). My room was very dark, so I turned on the TV and I saw a movie pertaining to the apocalypse. The most interesting part of the movie to me was the main plot was not so much about how to save the world, or stop the imminent destruction of the world, but to bring people to Christ before it was too late. This movie featured a character recognized as the Anti-Christ by Christians in the movie. People tried to kill him, but they couldn't. People tried to stop him, but they couldn't. The only thing that moved him in any negative way was for characters in the movie to talk about Christ, and for God to reveal His power.
I had no idea what it meant at the time, but I knew I was supposed to see that movie.
The next day, or shall I say early morning, very close to the same time, I was awakened again. This time it was a noise that literally sent a chill throughout my body. I don't know what it was, it sounded like it came from downstairs, but I couldn't find anything. After coming back to my room, the TV was on, and there was some show interviewing Tavis Smiley. Again, I had a sense of I supposed to be watching this, I need to be paying attention to it. As a side note, I don't really care for Tavis Smiley, most of the time I disagree with how he tries to do what he does, so the channel normally would have been immediately changed. On this early morning, I didn't change the channel. I watched as Tavis talked about how he was raised very poor, one of 13 people in a 3 bedroom trailer. He said he could remember from a young age being determined to give back to his family and his community. He wanted to help get his family out of that situation, and apparently from that he derived his passion: Helping to empower and enlighten people, especially people who he felt were disenfranchised. Tavis said he wants to reach young people with this thought: Find what you would do for free, and do it. Do whatever you passion is, whatever brings you happiness.
Five minutes later, after his interview goes off, I start to read a book I have been reading for quite sometime. I notice the bookmark has been moved, back to a chapter I have already read. Interesting, but I start to read it again. The chapter is about passion and happiness, in your life, in your career, in your relationships. Again, the author talks about finding what makes you happy, what really bring you joy, not necessarily monetary joy, but a sense of purpose and worth. That's where your passion is.
I realized a day later, these things had a meaning for me. Our own personal apocalypse is coming. Also, while the 'end of the world' as we know it will be different for everyone (it's may be the day Christ returns or it may be some random day in your life when you pass before His return), the thing that gives us purpose and happiness while we are here is still out there for us. If you are in a relationship that brings you happiness and you are passionate about it, you are where you should be. If you aren't happy, nor passionate about it, you should re-evaluate your situation. Our lives are very short. We don't have a long time to make our lives what we want them to be. So while we are here, we have to step outside the box and go for what we want. My tenets are preparing for and existing in a relationship which follows biblical principles which protect us, not restrain us. If that's what you want in your life, don't settle for anything less. If you want to be happy where you are, make it so. If happiness where you are is not possible, move on.
The Creator Himself reached out to move me this week. probably something as subtle as one of His thoughts, a twinkle in His eye, or vibration of His breath moved me. The experience for me reaches many areas of my life. My career, my relationships. I want passion and happiness in both of those areas. I have to work to get there, and not let the disappointments and frustrations of this world stop me. I felt my Creator intercede for me. I want my words to intercede with Him, for you. I'm not talking about sexually (unless you are married of course), but find passion in how you view your significant other. Look for, recognize and call out signs of happiness and a sense of purpose to your relationship and your significant other will thank you for it.
One final thought, the movie spoke to giving one's life to Christ as opposed to trying to save the world. We can't save the world, Christ has already done that for us. Christ Himself said, "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5 The earth has some more "hell" to go through before we get to that point, and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it. What we can do is accept the salvation we have been given through His blood. We can also add happiness to our relationship with our significant other, if we show them to Him, through His word. There is happiness, joy, a peace and a purpose which can only be found in following Him. Submit to His will and His ways, and enjoy the most successful relationship one could hope for: the relationship with Christ.
Very similar events. The first event was waking up early in the morning from the 'pop' of a water bottle (contracting or expanding because of air pressure). My room was very dark, so I turned on the TV and I saw a movie pertaining to the apocalypse. The most interesting part of the movie to me was the main plot was not so much about how to save the world, or stop the imminent destruction of the world, but to bring people to Christ before it was too late. This movie featured a character recognized as the Anti-Christ by Christians in the movie. People tried to kill him, but they couldn't. People tried to stop him, but they couldn't. The only thing that moved him in any negative way was for characters in the movie to talk about Christ, and for God to reveal His power.
I had no idea what it meant at the time, but I knew I was supposed to see that movie.
The next day, or shall I say early morning, very close to the same time, I was awakened again. This time it was a noise that literally sent a chill throughout my body. I don't know what it was, it sounded like it came from downstairs, but I couldn't find anything. After coming back to my room, the TV was on, and there was some show interviewing Tavis Smiley. Again, I had a sense of I supposed to be watching this, I need to be paying attention to it. As a side note, I don't really care for Tavis Smiley, most of the time I disagree with how he tries to do what he does, so the channel normally would have been immediately changed. On this early morning, I didn't change the channel. I watched as Tavis talked about how he was raised very poor, one of 13 people in a 3 bedroom trailer. He said he could remember from a young age being determined to give back to his family and his community. He wanted to help get his family out of that situation, and apparently from that he derived his passion: Helping to empower and enlighten people, especially people who he felt were disenfranchised. Tavis said he wants to reach young people with this thought: Find what you would do for free, and do it. Do whatever you passion is, whatever brings you happiness.
Five minutes later, after his interview goes off, I start to read a book I have been reading for quite sometime. I notice the bookmark has been moved, back to a chapter I have already read. Interesting, but I start to read it again. The chapter is about passion and happiness, in your life, in your career, in your relationships. Again, the author talks about finding what makes you happy, what really bring you joy, not necessarily monetary joy, but a sense of purpose and worth. That's where your passion is.
I realized a day later, these things had a meaning for me. Our own personal apocalypse is coming. Also, while the 'end of the world' as we know it will be different for everyone (it's may be the day Christ returns or it may be some random day in your life when you pass before His return), the thing that gives us purpose and happiness while we are here is still out there for us. If you are in a relationship that brings you happiness and you are passionate about it, you are where you should be. If you aren't happy, nor passionate about it, you should re-evaluate your situation. Our lives are very short. We don't have a long time to make our lives what we want them to be. So while we are here, we have to step outside the box and go for what we want. My tenets are preparing for and existing in a relationship which follows biblical principles which protect us, not restrain us. If that's what you want in your life, don't settle for anything less. If you want to be happy where you are, make it so. If happiness where you are is not possible, move on.
The Creator Himself reached out to move me this week. probably something as subtle as one of His thoughts, a twinkle in His eye, or vibration of His breath moved me. The experience for me reaches many areas of my life. My career, my relationships. I want passion and happiness in both of those areas. I have to work to get there, and not let the disappointments and frustrations of this world stop me. I felt my Creator intercede for me. I want my words to intercede with Him, for you. I'm not talking about sexually (unless you are married of course), but find passion in how you view your significant other. Look for, recognize and call out signs of happiness and a sense of purpose to your relationship and your significant other will thank you for it.
One final thought, the movie spoke to giving one's life to Christ as opposed to trying to save the world. We can't save the world, Christ has already done that for us. Christ Himself said, "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5 The earth has some more "hell" to go through before we get to that point, and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it. What we can do is accept the salvation we have been given through His blood. We can also add happiness to our relationship with our significant other, if we show them to Him, through His word. There is happiness, joy, a peace and a purpose which can only be found in following Him. Submit to His will and His ways, and enjoy the most successful relationship one could hope for: the relationship with Christ.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Are you really willing to ride for me?
A little delay between posts, but the holiday weekend is coming to an end, and here we are again.
I want to speak about a topic which seems to get overlooked a lot in today's society. It's not one of my tenets in my book, it seems to be the last thing we consider in employment, relationships, even in our friends. That thing is loyalty. We as a society have lost our focus on being loyal to one another. In many cases, we aren't even loyal to the people who helped us get where we are. I have seen people show a lack of loyalty for those that hired them to a job. I have encountered people show a lack of loyalty for their significant other in a relationship who was down with them through both thick and then. My associates in Corporate America talk about learning to become a free agent, as the years of loyalty to one company have long passed, and vice versa--the years of a company being loyal to its employees are gone as well.
There is truth to some of this, especially with the changing global economy and trying to climb the corporate ladder. There is also a false sense of independence we have created in believing we don't really need to be loyal to one another. I heard a pastor say, "when you are wearing the uniform of a company, and taking their checks, you need to ride for their brand--you need to be loyal to that company." I agree with this summation. If you are a part of something, you should be committed to that something, you should feel obligated to "ride" for that something. In my observation of our experiences, we are ready to "ride" for our marriages any longer. We definitely aren't ready to ride for one-another in a relationship in co-habitation. The most disappointing point is, quite often one party IS loyal, but the other party has no concept of what being loyal means. Calling to let someone know you are o.k. is part of loyalty. Calling when you are out of town and talking to your spouse is a part of loyalty. Loyalty by definition is to be faithful and committed. When we are committed to one another, we call each other to let the other party know we love them and we are doing o.k. Loyalty is being able to tell your wife you are tempted by a woman around you, and you need to do something about it--change jobs, whatever, because you love your wife, and you don't want to betray her.
The commitment of a relationship is serious stuff. We should not take it lightly. I write about "Love, Honor, and Respect," in the book. If you can't be loyal to your mate, you can't do ANY of these things. The disappointment of life that loyalty seems to be missing in MOST of our relationships can actually work to a person's benefit. If you show you are loyal, you can be seen as being better than people/experiences that your mate has to compare you to. We should all be loyal to our spouse. The fact is, we aren't. Since we aren't all up to the task, show your loyalty, and your mate (if they are loyal as well, and value that commitment) will love you even more deeply because they know you will 'ride' for them no matter what.
I want to speak about a topic which seems to get overlooked a lot in today's society. It's not one of my tenets in my book, it seems to be the last thing we consider in employment, relationships, even in our friends. That thing is loyalty. We as a society have lost our focus on being loyal to one another. In many cases, we aren't even loyal to the people who helped us get where we are. I have seen people show a lack of loyalty for those that hired them to a job. I have encountered people show a lack of loyalty for their significant other in a relationship who was down with them through both thick and then. My associates in Corporate America talk about learning to become a free agent, as the years of loyalty to one company have long passed, and vice versa--the years of a company being loyal to its employees are gone as well.
There is truth to some of this, especially with the changing global economy and trying to climb the corporate ladder. There is also a false sense of independence we have created in believing we don't really need to be loyal to one another. I heard a pastor say, "when you are wearing the uniform of a company, and taking their checks, you need to ride for their brand--you need to be loyal to that company." I agree with this summation. If you are a part of something, you should be committed to that something, you should feel obligated to "ride" for that something. In my observation of our experiences, we are ready to "ride" for our marriages any longer. We definitely aren't ready to ride for one-another in a relationship in co-habitation. The most disappointing point is, quite often one party IS loyal, but the other party has no concept of what being loyal means. Calling to let someone know you are o.k. is part of loyalty. Calling when you are out of town and talking to your spouse is a part of loyalty. Loyalty by definition is to be faithful and committed. When we are committed to one another, we call each other to let the other party know we love them and we are doing o.k. Loyalty is being able to tell your wife you are tempted by a woman around you, and you need to do something about it--change jobs, whatever, because you love your wife, and you don't want to betray her.
The commitment of a relationship is serious stuff. We should not take it lightly. I write about "Love, Honor, and Respect," in the book. If you can't be loyal to your mate, you can't do ANY of these things. The disappointment of life that loyalty seems to be missing in MOST of our relationships can actually work to a person's benefit. If you show you are loyal, you can be seen as being better than people/experiences that your mate has to compare you to. We should all be loyal to our spouse. The fact is, we aren't. Since we aren't all up to the task, show your loyalty, and your mate (if they are loyal as well, and value that commitment) will love you even more deeply because they know you will 'ride' for them no matter what.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Real Talk
I hope the blog is as enjoyable for you, as it is for me writing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers yet, but I know there are people out there reading it, and I hope I'm able to provide a bit of insight as to how to "wiggle" through it all and come out better on the other side.
It's great when my friends and acquaintances give me something to write about. Addressing real world experiences is the way dig into any issue, as opposed creating a theory and making it subject to one's thought process. Let me explain why I brought this up:
When we talk about relationships and having a relationship of any depth which has risen to "marital status," inevitably there will be talk of moving in together. I did it and I know more people who have lived with someone than haven't, so at this point to say it's acceptable in society would be an understatement.
I'm not going too deep into my experience in this article about my situation when I lived with someone, but I expound on it in the book. Needless to say, it's something I will never forget. I thought it was the right thing to do, no one could make me understand why this didn't make sense, and most importantly of all, it made sense to me. In my mind, moving in=finding out if our relationship would work long term. Point blank, period (to quote T.I.). Anything else was out of the question. Needless to say, I was 0 for 2 in both of those instances, and living together caused more harm than good. Enough about my situation, let's talk about another relevant situation.
A friend was explaining to me that she lived with her longtime b/f. Everything was copacetic initially, as he was living with roommates prior to moving in with her. Keep that in mind...he moved in with her. Important point which I will address later. He moves in under the premise this is temporary, and he is looking for his own place. They live together, but she had the 'impression' he was looking to find a place of his own. After a bit, she could tell he wasn't interested in looking for another spot and was fine with staying with her. I don't think she had a problem with it either, from our conversation. Fast forward to the point where she recognizes he's not contributing to the bills and that needs to change. He does start contributing, but he doesn't contribute a fair amount. Well, that changes also, as they have a discussion about things and he starts to pay half of the bills. At some point later, they have a pretty intense argument, but they make up. My friend, the woman in the story, leaves town on a trip. She returns to find he has packed up and moved out. Basically, he didn't want a confrontation, didn't want to continue paying for the place, so he moved without telling her. They broke up, and as you can guess, she took him back and let him move in AGAIN! Some might say this is drama, but I hear this kind of story daily, and they all end the same...She realized it was HER house (remember he moved into HER spot), and finally it came to a boil and she put him out one night in the wee hours of the morning.
Real talk, yall...men go into 'live-in relationships' with a "let's see what happens" attitude. Women go into these relationships assuming and EXPECTING to get married and live happily ever after, once everything is in a place where that is feasible. The biggest problem is we rarely communicate our expectations out of living together. The conversation usually goes like: "Babe, I love you, and I think we should move in together." It's a one sentence conversation for a life-altering decision! I don't even believe the woman says yes verbally most of the time. She's so starry eyed that her time and attention means something to the person she loves it's like "where is the moving truck...let's do this!!!"
Ladies, we have to communicate. If you are good enough to live with a man, why are you not good enough for him to marry you? Why not say, "Ok, we can live together, let's get married first." Don't accept anything other than YES for an answer. When you live together, you're playing married anyway. The problem is, there is no real commitment. Someone tried to explain it to me, but I was too stupid to understand. It took revelation, study and wisdom to understand that any man who loves you enough to share your bed should love you more than enough to marry you before he wants to spend every evening in it. Stop accepting spending time as a substitute for spending a lifetime.
Fellas, I made it a point to say he moved into HER house. The reason is women feel possessive about their heart and their lives and when you break her heart, you will feel her wrath. Moving into a woman's house that you are not marrying is playing with fire. Maybe you won't get burned if you touch a hot stove, but is it worth trying it to see? If you don't want to find the sidewalk full of your clothes and belongings like the example in my book, or put out at 2 in the morning, like this example, don't move in with a woman until you say 'I Do' for life.
Finally, it's so easy to walk away from a non-committed relationship. Mortgages, car payments, benefits, all of that stuff can be replaced. Also, it's not living under the blessing of the covenant between you and God. Divorce will continue to happen, but it's a much more thought out decision, as many lives are changed when there is true commitment. Choose to try it the right way, the way it was supposed to be, and you will find that real love, and real commitment walk hand in hand. Real talk.
It's great when my friends and acquaintances give me something to write about. Addressing real world experiences is the way dig into any issue, as opposed creating a theory and making it subject to one's thought process. Let me explain why I brought this up:
When we talk about relationships and having a relationship of any depth which has risen to "marital status," inevitably there will be talk of moving in together. I did it and I know more people who have lived with someone than haven't, so at this point to say it's acceptable in society would be an understatement.
I'm not going too deep into my experience in this article about my situation when I lived with someone, but I expound on it in the book. Needless to say, it's something I will never forget. I thought it was the right thing to do, no one could make me understand why this didn't make sense, and most importantly of all, it made sense to me. In my mind, moving in=finding out if our relationship would work long term. Point blank, period (to quote T.I.). Anything else was out of the question. Needless to say, I was 0 for 2 in both of those instances, and living together caused more harm than good. Enough about my situation, let's talk about another relevant situation.
A friend was explaining to me that she lived with her longtime b/f. Everything was copacetic initially, as he was living with roommates prior to moving in with her. Keep that in mind...he moved in with her. Important point which I will address later. He moves in under the premise this is temporary, and he is looking for his own place. They live together, but she had the 'impression' he was looking to find a place of his own. After a bit, she could tell he wasn't interested in looking for another spot and was fine with staying with her. I don't think she had a problem with it either, from our conversation. Fast forward to the point where she recognizes he's not contributing to the bills and that needs to change. He does start contributing, but he doesn't contribute a fair amount. Well, that changes also, as they have a discussion about things and he starts to pay half of the bills. At some point later, they have a pretty intense argument, but they make up. My friend, the woman in the story, leaves town on a trip. She returns to find he has packed up and moved out. Basically, he didn't want a confrontation, didn't want to continue paying for the place, so he moved without telling her. They broke up, and as you can guess, she took him back and let him move in AGAIN! Some might say this is drama, but I hear this kind of story daily, and they all end the same...She realized it was HER house (remember he moved into HER spot), and finally it came to a boil and she put him out one night in the wee hours of the morning.
Real talk, yall...men go into 'live-in relationships' with a "let's see what happens" attitude. Women go into these relationships assuming and EXPECTING to get married and live happily ever after, once everything is in a place where that is feasible. The biggest problem is we rarely communicate our expectations out of living together. The conversation usually goes like: "Babe, I love you, and I think we should move in together." It's a one sentence conversation for a life-altering decision! I don't even believe the woman says yes verbally most of the time. She's so starry eyed that her time and attention means something to the person she loves it's like "where is the moving truck...let's do this!!!"
Ladies, we have to communicate. If you are good enough to live with a man, why are you not good enough for him to marry you? Why not say, "Ok, we can live together, let's get married first." Don't accept anything other than YES for an answer. When you live together, you're playing married anyway. The problem is, there is no real commitment. Someone tried to explain it to me, but I was too stupid to understand. It took revelation, study and wisdom to understand that any man who loves you enough to share your bed should love you more than enough to marry you before he wants to spend every evening in it. Stop accepting spending time as a substitute for spending a lifetime.
Fellas, I made it a point to say he moved into HER house. The reason is women feel possessive about their heart and their lives and when you break her heart, you will feel her wrath. Moving into a woman's house that you are not marrying is playing with fire. Maybe you won't get burned if you touch a hot stove, but is it worth trying it to see? If you don't want to find the sidewalk full of your clothes and belongings like the example in my book, or put out at 2 in the morning, like this example, don't move in with a woman until you say 'I Do' for life.
Finally, it's so easy to walk away from a non-committed relationship. Mortgages, car payments, benefits, all of that stuff can be replaced. Also, it's not living under the blessing of the covenant between you and God. Divorce will continue to happen, but it's a much more thought out decision, as many lives are changed when there is true commitment. Choose to try it the right way, the way it was supposed to be, and you will find that real love, and real commitment walk hand in hand. Real talk.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Success breeds...contempt?
Ok, I am going to write about every facet of a relationship from time to time. Most of the time, it will be how the 9 tenets and other components "work together for good," so to speak. This time, I want to take a different approach. I want to talk about how important it is for both parties to want to be successful.
Successful by definition would assume both parties in a relationship would want to be "successful." Definitions of successful, by dictionary.com are having a favorable outcome or having something desired or intended. It would seem to go without saying everyone entering a relationship would want a favorable outcome or want something desired or intended. The problem, or maybe better stated, the disconnect is we have different intentions and desires and we don't communicate them. Let me expound a bit.
This week, I was talking with a female friend who is married with a beautiful family. Her situation is that her husband has the unfortunate circumstance that his field of expertise tends to take him away from his family for months at a time. So she's not happy as a wife, and she is raising their children without him in the house. There is the challenge of the economy, and the jobs he takes away from the family make enough money to pay the bills and be a provider for the family. Here is where the lack of communication of desires and varying definitions of success come into play. He wants to be a provider, and he is doing that. She wants him closer to her and the family, so he can be a part of the family. Of course, she wants him to be a provider as well, but his thinking is at this point he can only do one or the other.
Let's work on this problem in reverse, meaning I will share the philosophy of my answer first, then I will work on the problem and solution. I want to share the philosophy first, because it's so important. Both men and women share the issue of overlooking this important point. Life is about the journeys. It's not about the plateaus, it's not about the valleys. Guys can relate in athletics. Winning a championship is almost anti-climatic. Winning is the goal, but you remember the tough games, the heart-breaking losses, the things that make you reach your goal. Women can relate in novels and dramatic shows. The harlequin romance you're reading isn't so much about who winds up with who, though that's the ultimate goal. You read the book because of the passion and fervor of the journey. The twists and turns of the road along the way. I use those examples, because although we see it in our recreation and hobbies, we tend to forget these things where it is most important, in life. For example, you will hear couples say, "we will have kids when we can afford them." Who can ever afford to have kids?! If that's the case, no one would have been born beyond Adam and Eve! We have to live the journey. We can't live looking for external indicators of success.
That's my philosophy, now on to the ways to rectify the problem. In my friend's situation, she wants her husband at home. In her case and most cases, to have a successful relationship, he NEEDS to be at home. He should be at home. Of course, there are exceptions, but in this case, either the family needs to move closer to his job, or he needs to be with his family. Success in life is not determined by the house you own or the car you drive, but by the lives you impact. The biggest house will one day exist no more, but the kids impression their father makes on their lives will live with them for a lifetime. My friend's circumstance is a difficult situation because there are certain bills to be paid, a lifestyle to maintain. If you have made it this far on my blog, remember this point most of all: The woman I will eventually marry, I don't have to have a certain "lifestyle" to love her. We can live in a cave, and eat shellfish I catch at a stream and we crack on a rock, as long as I'm with her. Being with her is my "success." Everyone wants to maintain the lifestyle they create for themselves and that's fine. Also, you want to keep your woman happy as this is important as well. I think every woman will tell us guys that success begins with being there for her. Everything else will revolve around that. When we commit to one another, we commit our lives to each other, not just our money. Make it a point to communicate your desires to one another. Ladies, tell your man what is most important in your relationship with your b/f or your husband of 25 years. Guys, make sure you communicate your desires and your intentions so your woman will know exactly what you want, and exactly what you are trying to do. For my friend, tell your man specifically what you want and what is going to make you happy, because everyone of us, including you, deserve success in our relationships.
Successful by definition would assume both parties in a relationship would want to be "successful." Definitions of successful, by dictionary.com are having a favorable outcome or having something desired or intended. It would seem to go without saying everyone entering a relationship would want a favorable outcome or want something desired or intended. The problem, or maybe better stated, the disconnect is we have different intentions and desires and we don't communicate them. Let me expound a bit.
This week, I was talking with a female friend who is married with a beautiful family. Her situation is that her husband has the unfortunate circumstance that his field of expertise tends to take him away from his family for months at a time. So she's not happy as a wife, and she is raising their children without him in the house. There is the challenge of the economy, and the jobs he takes away from the family make enough money to pay the bills and be a provider for the family. Here is where the lack of communication of desires and varying definitions of success come into play. He wants to be a provider, and he is doing that. She wants him closer to her and the family, so he can be a part of the family. Of course, she wants him to be a provider as well, but his thinking is at this point he can only do one or the other.
Let's work on this problem in reverse, meaning I will share the philosophy of my answer first, then I will work on the problem and solution. I want to share the philosophy first, because it's so important. Both men and women share the issue of overlooking this important point. Life is about the journeys. It's not about the plateaus, it's not about the valleys. Guys can relate in athletics. Winning a championship is almost anti-climatic. Winning is the goal, but you remember the tough games, the heart-breaking losses, the things that make you reach your goal. Women can relate in novels and dramatic shows. The harlequin romance you're reading isn't so much about who winds up with who, though that's the ultimate goal. You read the book because of the passion and fervor of the journey. The twists and turns of the road along the way. I use those examples, because although we see it in our recreation and hobbies, we tend to forget these things where it is most important, in life. For example, you will hear couples say, "we will have kids when we can afford them." Who can ever afford to have kids?! If that's the case, no one would have been born beyond Adam and Eve! We have to live the journey. We can't live looking for external indicators of success.
That's my philosophy, now on to the ways to rectify the problem. In my friend's situation, she wants her husband at home. In her case and most cases, to have a successful relationship, he NEEDS to be at home. He should be at home. Of course, there are exceptions, but in this case, either the family needs to move closer to his job, or he needs to be with his family. Success in life is not determined by the house you own or the car you drive, but by the lives you impact. The biggest house will one day exist no more, but the kids impression their father makes on their lives will live with them for a lifetime. My friend's circumstance is a difficult situation because there are certain bills to be paid, a lifestyle to maintain. If you have made it this far on my blog, remember this point most of all: The woman I will eventually marry, I don't have to have a certain "lifestyle" to love her. We can live in a cave, and eat shellfish I catch at a stream and we crack on a rock, as long as I'm with her. Being with her is my "success." Everyone wants to maintain the lifestyle they create for themselves and that's fine. Also, you want to keep your woman happy as this is important as well. I think every woman will tell us guys that success begins with being there for her. Everything else will revolve around that. When we commit to one another, we commit our lives to each other, not just our money. Make it a point to communicate your desires to one another. Ladies, tell your man what is most important in your relationship with your b/f or your husband of 25 years. Guys, make sure you communicate your desires and your intentions so your woman will know exactly what you want, and exactly what you are trying to do. For my friend, tell your man specifically what you want and what is going to make you happy, because everyone of us, including you, deserve success in our relationships.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Let's talk about...relationships?
I decided to start this blog in support of my upcoming book, "The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (for Singles)." I think it's interesting to hear different people's take on relationships, which is why I wrote a book, and why I'm doing this blog. So let's get right into it...
I know a woman who basically runs over her husband. Realistically, he's only there for one reason, which is the only thing she can't do for herself, and that reason is probably on life support. I also know a couple who are polar opposites of the first couple, it's his world, and she's just living in it. The first couple, well...that's not working so well. The second couple is just fine and happy and both are loving life. Can someone who is "under the thumb" so to speak be happy with their relationship or is her compliance with his domineering behavior an expression of her lack of self esteem? Could my homegirl in the first example be getting tired of being allowed to run the show?
These are the types of things I'm going to address here. My book, "9 Tenets" deals with these topics. The thing is, one can only touch on so much in the confines of a book, so I want to get more discussion on the topic. I will touch on all of the tenets as we go through time, but one definite thing is you have to communicate well for your relationship to thrive and that is lacking in both instances above. I wrote my book with Singles in mind (since I am single and most of my perspectives are from that of single people in my book), but much of these things will deal with single, dating, engaged, married and even divorced people. In the cases above, one couple is not very happy, and the only communication is the woman talking down to the man. The other relationship works, because both parties accept it. The challenge in this relationship is a delicate one. A man HAS to be a man, so sometimes being the head of the household will require making tough decisions. A man also HAS to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, to paraphrase scripture. So fellas, you can "run the show" so to speak, but run the show with compassion, love, honor and respect, and she will love you even more for it. In both cases, communication from a place of love and respect would make both of these situations better.
Ok, we made it through the first post. It can only get better from here! Hope you enjoy it...capiche?
I know a woman who basically runs over her husband. Realistically, he's only there for one reason, which is the only thing she can't do for herself, and that reason is probably on life support. I also know a couple who are polar opposites of the first couple, it's his world, and she's just living in it. The first couple, well...that's not working so well. The second couple is just fine and happy and both are loving life. Can someone who is "under the thumb" so to speak be happy with their relationship or is her compliance with his domineering behavior an expression of her lack of self esteem? Could my homegirl in the first example be getting tired of being allowed to run the show?
These are the types of things I'm going to address here. My book, "9 Tenets" deals with these topics. The thing is, one can only touch on so much in the confines of a book, so I want to get more discussion on the topic. I will touch on all of the tenets as we go through time, but one definite thing is you have to communicate well for your relationship to thrive and that is lacking in both instances above. I wrote my book with Singles in mind (since I am single and most of my perspectives are from that of single people in my book), but much of these things will deal with single, dating, engaged, married and even divorced people. In the cases above, one couple is not very happy, and the only communication is the woman talking down to the man. The other relationship works, because both parties accept it. The challenge in this relationship is a delicate one. A man HAS to be a man, so sometimes being the head of the household will require making tough decisions. A man also HAS to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, to paraphrase scripture. So fellas, you can "run the show" so to speak, but run the show with compassion, love, honor and respect, and she will love you even more for it. In both cases, communication from a place of love and respect would make both of these situations better.
Ok, we made it through the first post. It can only get better from here! Hope you enjoy it...capiche?
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