Saturday, October 23, 2010

How Does One Really Do This?

Once again it's on, or so I wish. I guess in my literary world, it is on...I'm back writing my blog again, and I can't wait to share with you. Where I grew up, when we said "it's on," it meant, "she's going to be the girl I get tonight," or some variation thereof.

So by that standard, it's not on for me and hasn't been in quite sometime. Would I say it's by choice? Hmmm...I would rather say it's by devotion. I might be devoted to trying to do what I know I should be doing, since I'm not yet married, but it doesn't make it any easier. Cold showers...maybe they work for someone else, but all they make me is cold, still aroused and now mad because I'm cold.

Sex is pretty important to me, as it is to most everyone else. Therefore, how do you really fight that natural predisposition to the flesh, the surrounding influences that help that predisposition and the simple crave to enjoy the companionship of the opposite sex without dishonoring the rules given to us by our Creator? Well, first we have to be open and honest to understand it's not easy. Don't go into being abstinent believing it's a cakewalk and if you don't want to give it up you don't have to. That's the wrong way to think about it, and you'll soon find this is a wrong way of thinking. You will be tempted, you will want companionship, which at the very least will have you thinking about sex.

You can definitely have companionship without sex, but there's a different mindset for different people there. If you want to date someone exclusively (or are dating non-exclusively), you will find when you put yourself in compromising positions, you are much easier tempted. Watching a movie at home with your man is fine, but if you are trying not to take it to another level, those dates need to be few and far in between. The concept of the date will often have a lot to do with how compromising it is. Going to public places can be fun and romantic, and normally, the more private the date is, the more compromising the position is.

Also, if you're trying to rock the abstinence thing, it's good to date others who are doing the same thing. For me, at this point I don't date very much because I know I need someone who is AT LEAST as devoted to not going there as I am, because I can be tempted. Therefore, I need to be selective in who I choose to spend my time with. I think it's a good way of thinking. If you aren't trying to go there, you need to hang out with others who aren't trying to go there. For you old school hip hop heads, Rakim once said, "She kissed me slow, and you know how far a kiss can go...f**k around and miss the show." How many of us have experienced something of that nature? There is so much reality in that statement. If you know that the slightest kiss, or even a look can take you where you had no intention of going, then you simply can't let it occur. Period.

Over the past couple of years, I have had a couple of "run-ins" with ladies. Once, I think I wanted to see if I could avoid temptation while being in the Lion's Den, and the other time, I was simply overcome with the moment and the temptation. The first occasion, I quickly figured out I couldn't escape temptation without my commitment, my devotion and my faith. I believe He was looking out for me, because she didn't let us go any farther than we did. The second time, again, I believe a higher calling was in my corner because I was in the ultimate compromising position and nothing happened.

If we stay in faith first, all things are possible. Faith should also open doors of wisdom to us. Wisdom breeds obedience. If we are wise, we will work to stay away from the temptation of the flesh until the time is right and it's no longer a temptation, it's a blessing. Look for opportunities to stay in faith, as opposed to searching out opportunities to be tempted. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm simply saying, this is how you really can do this...

Until next time...One!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Ok, I Get It...I Get It...

What's crack-a-lackin everyone? Loving every minute of my blessed life, so busy this week trying to complete the publishing of this book. It's soooo close, we're about to chance some lives and build some better relationships! That's exciting, and I praise Him for providing the opportunity to reach you with my words and my book.

This past week, I think I had a bit of a flashback moment. On a couple of different occasions, I was getting to know someone and somewhere along the line, something changed. Naturally, doing what I do to respond and help others, the first thing I do is look at myself. Did I say something? Did I do something wrong? Was I too pushy? Was I too nonchalant? Retrospectively, I don't think I was any of those things in either of these situations. Let me expound.

I once heard Bishop Jakes say you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. That was my flashback moment, as I racked my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. Now, neither of these situations was anywhere NEAR that point. We weren't even dating. Just talking, keeping in touch, etc. The premise still rings true. Sometimes people change their minds or sometimes people are going through things or sometimes people realize whatever they expected isn't what they were receiving, so they move on. Real's not my problem. You know, I don't have to be pressed to relate to anyone or speak to anyone. If we are mutually interested in one another, then it's natural to keep the conversation going. If something changes, then instead of forcing the issue, or asking a bunch of questions that go above and beyond where I need to take it, move on.

Sometimes we get interested so quickly, when we catch one of these "curveballs" it throws us for such a loop we don't know what to do. Let me help you out...keep it moving! Even me...remember, this one happened to me! I'm having intriguing convo, spending time on the phone, and all of a sudden, something changes. The conversations stop, the emails end. You ask a few questions, sometimes you might get a quick response which is clearly "I don't want to be rude, but you're not getting it" response. People change and go through things. More often than not, this type of behavior has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with them. Do not let it get you twisted, keep it moving.

Even when you seem to have so much in common and everything is clicking, if they stop talking or something changes which is clearly abnormal behavior to what you have experienced before, especially in the early stages, give them plenty of space. The amazing thing about giving them space is quite often the same person works through whatever they are going through, appreciates you for understanding and becomes even closer to you. Regardless whether or not they come back, as Bishop Jakes said, you don't have to try to love anyone who doesn't love you. If you keep it moving, you will find someone who loves you more than you can imagine. Once you actually "get it," then you won't be able to keep the one who really loves you from finding their way to you.

Until next time, yall...One.

**When "9 Tenets" comes out, read the chapter on "Square Pegs/Round Holes" to get more understanding and have more discussion on this topic.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Take a Moment to Reflect

Every now and then we are watching something and we are caught of guard. Literally, taken aback. I had that happen to me today. I was watching a certain celebrity get interviewed (the person in this case doesn't matter) and I know this guy to be a somewhat condescending, arrogant individual. I don't know him personally, but what his co-workers and friends say about him in a sugar-coated sort of way, in addition to how he normally carries himself makes those traits believable.

All of that said, today during his interview, he had a moment to reflect on his life. He realizes in his heart he would not be where he is today without the relationship he has with God and the way He works in his life. The most interesting thing he said was, "I have this project coming up, but I'm not worried about it, God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do." The audience was so caught up in his other revelations and his stirring commentary, they overlooked this powerful, yet profound statement.

Think about that for a moment in the context of your life or any life: You have a book deal on the table, you're in line for a promotion, you have a man you have wanted to take you seriously for years...but now, you're not worried about it, because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do. You have a man who won't treat you right, you have a child who won't listen, you have a boss who doesn't respect you...regardless, you're not worried about it because God is going to do with that whatever He is going to do! That's faith, and that's the kind of unconditional faith we should strive to achieve.

When the interviewer wanted to talk about the project (a book), the celebrity gave the statement that God is going to do with it whatever He is going to do, and proceeded to talk about his relationship with God for quite a while. That's great, but the real point is, he never---NEVER got back to talking about his book. I still don't know the name of the book, I don't know the topic, don't even know when it's coming out. Who would do such a thing? Who would take an opportunity not to self-promote when being asked to do so in front of a national TV audience? Someone with the faith of a mustard seed...that's who! For a man who has a touch of arrogance, turning your life over to anyone is difficult. Whether that person may be you wife, doctor, or whomever. For a moment consider an A-type personality, borderline narcissist, turning their life over to's almost inconceivable. Until you think about it, and you realize all things are possible through Christ. (I left the name of the celebrity out as it is someone everyone has heard of, but their presence will be a distraction from the point of the article)

My blog is not a blog to try to influence people to be converted to Christianity or to delve into the nature of religion. Sometimes Christianity will be addressed because it's a part of who I am. In this case, it's addressed because it creates a moment of reflection. Much like this person, take the time to look at who you are, why you are who you are, and maybe just as importantly, what has happened to get you to where you are. I often write about where we want to go, what we want to achieve and accomplish, but we will never get there if we don't know where we have been.

This blog is about relationships, so reflect on your relationships from time to time. What did you learn? What was really good about a situation? What was bad about the relationship? What would you like to see different next time, because reflection has shown you were missing something? Reflect on who you have become. Be able to tell someone else why are you who you are today. This way, your thought process has a pattern which is tangible--which makes it easier to work on. Ideas are constantly evolving, but if you put it on paper or in some tangible medium, you have something in front of you to reflect on and work through. If your pattern shows you are repeating the same things (like many of us), take heed: If you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results. Reflection will show growth, it will show death (of old things that were not useful), and it will show contentment of things that you want to continue in your life. Taking moments in time to reflect periodically will allow you to apply your knowledge gained to get the desired outcome in the future. That's a fairly clinical sentence, but if you don't get my point: Reflect. Often. Until next

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Maybe a little push?

Don't get in my kitchen because I have been away. It's still all love, sometimes even writers have to take a moment away. I'm back now, so let's get it poppin again...

A friend was discussing something with me a few days ago, and I want to discuss with you. She said, she's a bit shy, and she's still learning this "he's pushing up on me, so how do I respond" thing. I'm not going to put her business in the street, but let me say she's a beautiful woman, with a lot of great stuff going for her. She could have cats following her around like little puppies, if she so desired, but she's still a bit rough around the edges on the early stages of courtship, which in many ways is a good thing. If you have ever played golf, you know people who have learned to swing a golf club wrong. I know mostly women read this blog, but even if you're not a golfer and you get a free moment, google "Charles Barkley swings a golf club." It's hilarious! He has this learned trait of having this hesistation in his hideous golf swing. He learned to do it the wrong way. The same thing with talking to the opposite sex. If you learn bad behaviors, they are hard to change. My homegirl hasn't learned bad behaviors, she just hasn't learned any behaviors, so she tries to feel her way through the situation.

One of the biggest turnoffs for women is for a guy to send a pic of himself to her...especially too early in the relationship. Not the average pic, mind you...a more "intimate" -shall we say- picture. Naked pics of yourselves, my brothers, are quick ways to guarantee you get no more response from a woman. My friend had someone do this to her. She didn't know how to respond. It's not as though she knew this guy for months, or even weeks. She just met him! Now, she's interested, but he's trying to gamble on her being either (a) horny (b) promiscuous (c) intrigued by his self-perceived sexiness or (d) all of the above. There's a chance he could catch the right girl that fits one of those criteria if he tosses that out there enough, but ladies--please understand--this is a "I'm going to throw this out there to see if it sticks" tactic. Basically, we realize sometimes we know what we want up front and we don't want to work for it. If we can cut to the chase, and leave the option open in your mind that we are "interested" so to speak, all the better. Simply put, if a man wants you sexually, but doesn't want to wait for it, he's going to offer options up front and see if you accept or not. If you don't accept, he will move on or he will continue to pursue, but with the exact same goal in mind. You have to show you are stronger than his will. Don't give in, and in my opinion, don't allow him to pursue you.

You are the guardian of your life, your spirit, your destiny. If someone doesn't even respect you enough to play the game the right way, then what makes you think he will respect you when he gets closer to you, or when he entertains you sexually, or when he has your heart. The heart is deceitful. Listen to that instinct that says, "this isn't right," or "this doesn't make sense." Trust your intellect and not your want to have someone, or your need to be with someone. You're much smarter than your heart would lead you to believe.

The name of the post is "maybe a little push." I titled it that because at the beginning I mentioned that my homie is a bit shy. She feels like sometimes she meets guys who don't lead the conversation toward going out with her, getting to know her, dating her, etc. That being the case, should she give a little push? I think you should leave the door open, if you are interested in a man who is pursuing you. You can say, "hey, it's cool you like football...I love going to Cowboys games (sorry Titans fans)." That left an opening. The underlying theme is "I like going to games and I just told you are you going to ask to take me to a game?" That's fine as a slight push. Anything else is denying a man the opportunity to pursue his woman. Also, anything much more than that, and you deny yourself the opportunity to be attracted by his pursuit. It's not necessarily about playing hard to get, but it is about him showing he's working to "get" to know you. If he can't lead in a courtship, what would make you think he can lead in a relationship or a marriage? Let him put in a little work. You'll appreciate me for it later. Remember, no pushing, just a slight "open door." If he's doesn't come through the door...slam it in his face and move on to the next one. You were spared his inept ability to pursue you appropriately and you helped him grow as he will realize he didn't do something right, so he'll be better in his next encounter.

One love, yall...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Concise...but keepin it 100

Relationships are built on trust, and loyalty. A key component of both of those things is honesty. To trust someone, they have to show their honesty to you, and in turn you reciprocate. The same goes for loyalty. For one to be loyal to someone, there has to be a commonality, even thieves can be loyal to one another, but they have to be honest in their "honor among thieves" with one another.

The context of the relationship doesn't matter, but this point holds true regardless...if you are honest with each other, both parties are much more open to making the partnership work. Honesty doesn't allow for unconscionable contracts in business dealings. Honesty doesn't allow for mistresses on the side in marriages. Honesty doesn't allow for friends to be talking about a friend behind their back and saying they something different to that same person's face. One of the definitions of honesty is 'freedom from deceit or fraud.' That's honesty in a nutshell. Let's not live our lives with ulterior motives. Let's not try to find ways around tough situations by making them tougher. My pastor said this week, "no one has to tell a child how to lie, they are sinners by nature." We all fall short of the Glory. Knowing this is true, make it a point in your life to work to overcome that shortfall. Simply tell the truth and deal with the consequences. The consequences of being caught in a lie are almost always worse, and even when they are not exposed externally, we have to live with that guilt on our conscious every day. It's simply not worth it. Be open and honest, and people will respect you more than you will believe.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

What Do We Really Want?

Ok, so this week I had a couple of very interesting moments. Rarely do I have a moment which I can say, "that's the Spirit of God," or "that's God's Divine Intervention." I had two of those this week.

Very similar events. The first event was waking up early in the morning from the 'pop' of a water bottle (contracting or expanding because of air pressure). My room was very dark, so I turned on the TV and I saw a movie pertaining to the apocalypse. The most interesting part of the movie to me was the main plot was not so much about how to save the world, or stop the imminent destruction of the world, but to bring people to Christ before it was too late. This movie featured a character recognized as the Anti-Christ by Christians in the movie. People tried to kill him, but they couldn't. People tried to stop him, but they couldn't. The only thing that moved him in any negative way was for characters in the movie to talk about Christ, and for God to reveal His power.

I had no idea what it meant at the time, but I knew I was supposed to see that movie.

The next day, or shall I say early morning, very close to the same time, I was awakened again. This time it was a noise that literally sent a chill throughout my body. I don't know what it was, it sounded like it came from downstairs, but I couldn't find anything. After coming back to my room, the TV was on, and there was some show interviewing Tavis Smiley. Again, I had a sense of I supposed to be watching this, I need to be paying attention to it. As a side note, I don't really care for Tavis Smiley, most of the time I disagree with how he tries to do what he does, so the channel normally would have been immediately changed. On this early morning, I didn't change the channel. I watched as Tavis talked about how he was raised very poor, one of 13 people in a 3 bedroom trailer. He said he could remember from a young age being determined to give back to his family and his community. He wanted to help get his family out of that situation, and apparently from that he derived his passion: Helping to empower and enlighten people, especially people who he felt were disenfranchised. Tavis said he wants to reach young people with this thought: Find what you would do for free, and do it. Do whatever you passion is, whatever brings you happiness.

Five minutes later, after his interview goes off, I start to read a book I have been reading for quite sometime. I notice the bookmark has been moved, back to a chapter I have already read. Interesting, but I start to read it again. The chapter is about passion and happiness, in your life, in your career, in your relationships. Again, the author talks about finding what makes you happy, what really bring you joy, not necessarily monetary joy, but a sense of purpose and worth. That's where your passion is.

I realized a day later, these things had a meaning for me. Our own personal apocalypse is coming. Also, while the 'end of the world' as we know it will be different for everyone (it's may be the day Christ returns or it may be some random day in your life when you pass before His return), the thing that gives us purpose and happiness while we are here is still out there for us. If you are in a relationship that brings you happiness and you are passionate about it, you are where you should be. If you aren't happy, nor passionate about it, you should re-evaluate your situation. Our lives are very short. We don't have a long time to make our lives what we want them to be. So while we are here, we have to step outside the box and go for what we want. My tenets are preparing for and existing in a relationship which follows biblical principles which protect us, not restrain us. If that's what you want in your life, don't settle for anything less. If you want to be happy where you are, make it so. If happiness where you are is not possible, move on.

The Creator Himself reached out to move me this week. probably something as subtle as one of His thoughts, a twinkle in His eye, or vibration of His breath moved me. The experience for me reaches many areas of my life. My career, my relationships. I want passion and happiness in both of those areas. I have to work to get there, and not let the disappointments and frustrations of this world stop me. I felt my Creator intercede for me. I want my words to intercede with Him, for you. I'm not talking about sexually (unless you are married of course), but find passion in how you view your significant other. Look for, recognize and call out signs of happiness and a sense of purpose to your relationship and your significant other will thank you for it.

One final thought, the movie spoke to giving one's life to Christ as opposed to trying to save the world. We can't save the world, Christ has already done that for us. Christ Himself said, "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5 The earth has some more "hell" to go through before we get to that point, and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it. What we can do is accept the salvation we have been given through His blood. We can also add happiness to our relationship with our significant other, if we show them to Him, through His word. There is happiness, joy, a peace and a purpose which can only be found in following Him. Submit to His will and His ways, and enjoy the most successful relationship one could hope for: the relationship with Christ.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Are you really willing to ride for me?

A little delay between posts, but the holiday weekend is coming to an end, and here we are again.

I want to speak about a topic which seems to get overlooked a lot in today's society. It's not one of my tenets in my book, it seems to be the last thing we consider in employment, relationships, even in our friends. That thing is loyalty. We as a society have lost our focus on being loyal to one another. In many cases, we aren't even loyal to the people who helped us get where we are. I have seen people show a lack of loyalty for those that hired them to a job. I have encountered people show a lack of loyalty for their significant other in a relationship who was down with them through both thick and then. My associates in Corporate America talk about learning to become a free agent, as the years of loyalty to one company have long passed, and vice versa--the years of a company being loyal to its employees are gone as well.

There is truth to some of this, especially with the changing global economy and trying to climb the corporate ladder. There is also a false sense of independence we have created in believing we don't really need to be loyal to one another. I heard a pastor say, "when you are wearing the uniform of a company, and taking their checks, you need to ride for their brand--you need to be loyal to that company." I agree with this summation. If you are a part of something, you should be committed to that something, you should feel obligated to "ride" for that something. In my observation of our experiences, we are ready to "ride" for our marriages any longer. We definitely aren't ready to ride for one-another in a relationship in co-habitation. The most disappointing point is, quite often one party IS loyal, but the other party has no concept of what being loyal means. Calling to let someone know you are o.k. is part of loyalty. Calling when you are out of town and talking to your spouse is a part of loyalty. Loyalty by definition is to be faithful and committed. When we are committed to one another, we call each other to let the other party know we love them and we are doing o.k. Loyalty is being able to tell your wife you are tempted by a woman around you, and you need to do something about it--change jobs, whatever, because you love your wife, and you don't want to betray her.

The commitment of a relationship is serious stuff. We should not take it lightly. I write about "Love, Honor, and Respect," in the book. If you can't be loyal to your mate, you can't do ANY of these things. The disappointment of life that loyalty seems to be missing in MOST of our relationships can actually work to a person's benefit. If you show you are loyal, you can be seen as being better than people/experiences that your mate has to compare you to. We should all be loyal to our spouse. The fact is, we aren't. Since we aren't all up to the task, show your loyalty, and your mate (if they are loyal as well, and value that commitment) will love you even more deeply because they know you will 'ride' for them no matter what.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Real Talk

I hope the blog is as enjoyable for you, as it is for me writing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers yet, but I know there are people out there reading it, and I hope I'm able to provide a bit of insight as to how to "wiggle" through it all and come out better on the other side.

It's great when my friends and acquaintances give me something to write about. Addressing real world experiences is the way dig into any issue, as opposed creating a theory and making it subject to one's thought process. Let me explain why I brought this up:

When we talk about relationships and having a relationship of any depth which has risen to "marital status," inevitably there will be talk of moving in together. I did it and I know more people who have lived with someone than haven't, so at this point to say it's acceptable in society would be an understatement.

I'm not going too deep into my experience in this article about my situation when I lived with someone, but I expound on it in the book. Needless to say, it's something I will never forget. I thought it was the right thing to do, no one could make me understand why this didn't make sense, and most importantly of all, it made sense to me. In my mind, moving in=finding out if our relationship would work long term. Point blank, period (to quote T.I.). Anything else was out of the question. Needless to say, I was 0 for 2 in both of those instances, and living together caused more harm than good. Enough about my situation, let's talk about another relevant situation.

A friend was explaining to me that she lived with her longtime b/f. Everything was copacetic initially, as he was living with roommates prior to moving in with her. Keep that in mind...he moved in with her. Important point which I will address later. He moves in under the premise this is temporary, and he is looking for his own place. They live together, but she had the 'impression' he was looking to find a place of his own. After a bit, she could tell he wasn't interested in looking for another spot and was fine with staying with her. I don't think she had a problem with it either, from our conversation. Fast forward to the point where she recognizes he's not contributing to the bills and that needs to change. He does start contributing, but he doesn't contribute a fair amount. Well, that changes also, as they have a discussion about things and he starts to pay half of the bills. At some point later, they have a pretty intense argument, but they make up. My friend, the woman in the story, leaves town on a trip. She returns to find he has packed up and moved out. Basically, he didn't want a confrontation, didn't want to continue paying for the place, so he moved without telling her. They broke up, and as you can guess, she took him back and let him move in AGAIN! Some might say this is drama, but I hear this kind of story daily, and they all end the same...She realized it was HER house (remember he moved into HER spot), and finally it came to a boil and she put him out one night in the wee hours of the morning.

Real talk, go into 'live-in relationships' with a "let's see what happens" attitude. Women go into these relationships assuming and EXPECTING to get married and live happily ever after, once everything is in a place where that is feasible. The biggest problem is we rarely communicate our expectations out of living together. The conversation usually goes like: "Babe, I love you, and I think we should move in together." It's a one sentence conversation for a life-altering decision! I don't even believe the woman says yes verbally most of the time. She's so starry eyed that her time and attention means something to the person she loves it's like "where is the moving truck...let's do this!!!"

Ladies, we have to communicate. If you are good enough to live with a man, why are you not good enough for him to marry you? Why not say, "Ok, we can live together, let's get married first." Don't accept anything other than YES for an answer. When you live together, you're playing married anyway. The problem is, there is no real commitment. Someone tried to explain it to me, but I was too stupid to understand. It took revelation, study and wisdom to understand that any man who loves you enough to share your bed should love you more than enough to marry you before he wants to spend every evening in it. Stop accepting spending time as a substitute for spending a lifetime.

Fellas, I made it a point to say he moved into HER house. The reason is women feel possessive about their heart and their lives and when you break her heart, you will feel her wrath. Moving into a woman's house that you are not marrying is playing with fire. Maybe you won't get burned if you touch a hot stove, but is it worth trying it to see? If you don't want to find the sidewalk full of your clothes and belongings like the example in my book, or put out at 2 in the morning, like this example, don't move in with a woman until you say 'I Do' for life.

Finally, it's so easy to walk away from a non-committed relationship. Mortgages, car payments, benefits, all of that stuff can be replaced. Also, it's not living under the blessing of the covenant between you and God. Divorce will continue to happen, but it's a much more thought out decision, as many lives are changed when there is true commitment. Choose to try it the right way, the way it was supposed to be, and you will find that real love, and real commitment walk hand in hand. Real talk.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Success breeds...contempt?

Ok, I am going to write about every facet of a relationship from time to time. Most of the time, it will be how the 9 tenets and other components "work together for good," so to speak. This time, I want to take a different approach. I want to talk about how important it is for both parties to want to be successful.

Successful by definition would assume both parties in a relationship would want to be "successful." Definitions of successful, by are having a favorable outcome or having something desired or intended. It would seem to go without saying everyone entering a relationship would want a favorable outcome or want something desired or intended. The problem, or maybe better stated, the disconnect is we have different intentions and desires and we don't communicate them. Let me expound a bit.

This week, I was talking with a female friend who is married with a beautiful family. Her situation is that her husband has the unfortunate circumstance that his field of expertise tends to take him away from his family for months at a time. So she's not happy as a wife, and she is raising their children without him in the house. There is the challenge of the economy, and the jobs he takes away from the family make enough money to pay the bills and be a provider for the family. Here is where the lack of communication of desires and varying definitions of success come into play. He wants to be a provider, and he is doing that. She wants him closer to her and the family, so he can be a part of the family. Of course, she wants him to be a provider as well, but his thinking is at this point he can only do one or the other.

Let's work on this problem in reverse, meaning I will share the philosophy of my answer first, then I will work on the problem and solution. I want to share the philosophy first, because it's so important. Both men and women share the issue of overlooking this important point. Life is about the journeys. It's not about the plateaus, it's not about the valleys. Guys can relate in athletics. Winning a championship is almost anti-climatic. Winning is the goal, but you remember the tough games, the heart-breaking losses, the things that make you reach your goal. Women can relate in novels and dramatic shows. The harlequin romance you're reading isn't so much about who winds up with who, though that's the ultimate goal. You read the book because of the passion and fervor of the journey. The twists and turns of the road along the way. I use those examples, because although we see it in our recreation and hobbies, we tend to forget these things where it is most important, in life. For example, you will hear couples say, "we will have kids when we can afford them." Who can ever afford to have kids?! If that's the case, no one would have been born beyond Adam and Eve! We have to live the journey. We can't live looking for external indicators of success.

That's my philosophy, now on to the ways to rectify the problem. In my friend's situation, she wants her husband at home. In her case and most cases, to have a successful relationship, he NEEDS to be at home. He should be at home. Of course, there are exceptions, but in this case, either the family needs to move closer to his job, or he needs to be with his family. Success in life is not determined by the house you own or the car you drive, but by the lives you impact. The biggest house will one day exist no more, but the kids impression their father makes on their lives will live with them for a lifetime. My friend's circumstance is a difficult situation because there are certain bills to be paid, a lifestyle to maintain. If you have made it this far on my blog, remember this point most of all: The woman I will eventually marry, I don't have to have a certain "lifestyle" to love her. We can live in a cave, and eat shellfish I catch at a stream and we crack on a rock, as long as I'm with her. Being with her is my "success." Everyone wants to maintain the lifestyle they create for themselves and that's fine. Also, you want to keep your woman happy as this is important as well. I think every woman will tell us guys that success begins with being there for her. Everything else will revolve around that. When we commit to one another, we commit our lives to each other, not just our money. Make it a point to communicate your desires to one another. Ladies, tell your man what is most important in your relationship with your b/f or your husband of 25 years. Guys, make sure you communicate your desires and your intentions so your woman will know exactly what you want, and exactly what you are trying to do. For my friend, tell your man specifically what you want and what is going to make you happy, because everyone of us, including you, deserve success in our relationships.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Let's talk about...relationships?

I decided to start this blog in support of my upcoming book, "The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (for Singles)." I think it's interesting to hear different people's take on relationships, which is why I wrote a book, and why I'm doing this blog. So let's get right into it...

I know a woman who basically runs over her husband. Realistically, he's only there for one reason, which is the only thing she can't do for herself, and that reason is probably on life support. I also know a couple who are polar opposites of the first couple, it's his world, and she's just living in it. The first couple, well...that's not working so well. The second couple is just fine and happy and both are loving life. Can someone who is "under the thumb" so to speak be happy with their relationship or is her compliance with his domineering behavior an expression of her lack of self esteem? Could my homegirl in the first example be getting tired of being allowed to run the show?

These are the types of things I'm going to address here. My book, "9 Tenets" deals with these topics. The thing is, one can only touch on so much in the confines of a book, so I want to get more discussion on the topic. I will touch on all of the tenets as we go through time, but one definite thing is you have to communicate well for your relationship to thrive and that is lacking in both instances above. I wrote my book with Singles in mind (since I am single and most of my perspectives are from that of single people in my book), but much of these things will deal with single, dating, engaged, married and even divorced people. In the cases above, one couple is not very happy, and the only communication is the woman talking down to the man. The other relationship works, because both parties accept it. The challenge in this relationship is a delicate one. A man HAS to be a man, so sometimes being the head of the household will require making tough decisions. A man also HAS to love his wife like Christ loves the Church, to paraphrase scripture. So fellas, you can "run the show" so to speak, but run the show with compassion, love, honor and respect, and she will love you even more for it. In both cases, communication from a place of love and respect would make both of these situations better.

Ok, we made it through the first post. It can only get better from here! Hope you enjoy it...capiche?